it's Wednesday

so...crazy coworker was terminated. I'm not happy...just relieved.

My kids are still visiting... I realized what was bugging me the most about it... I have really grown to like my alone time. So, since I love my kids, but I enjoy my alone time, I am going to put myself in time out sometimes... and just decompress...at least until they get sick of me,lol.

Started scrapping some pics of my kids' first apartment...they were home at the time and really enjoyed looking at them... they thought i was nuts when I was taking all of these random pictures.

This week, I am just going to take life easy, continue my storm clean up and enjoy the times the kids are visiting.

Long time no talk

Kids have headed back to school... my house is now quiet and all mine again...except for the goofy dogs,lol.

Struggling at work w/ a specific coworker. Can't get it out of my head... it drives me crazy...I don't like it... I wish it wasn't like this. I feel powerless. If I keep letting her be abusive to me...I loose. If I confront her/handle it... I still loose, just in a different way. Its nuts. I know, in my last post I said I believe all things work out the way they supposed to... its just hard...really really hard.
I am just going to get up in the morning and try my best... its all I can do.

It has been raining like crazy here...windier than heck... intense weather...tornado watches in AZ lol...

When I get home, there is some chocolate ice cream waiting for me... I can hardly wait!

well here we are....

on almost the last day of 2009... without much to say,lol.

My sons are still visiting... it is great...and it is not so great... I love them... but they can be really annoying...and I am equally annoying to them... I'm sure.

My job... see, I love love love my job. I never thought I would ever do anything besides teach... and I sure never thought I would love anything else. But I do. However, at this point, I am not loving where I work. I lovingly refer to it as Dysfunction Junction... but its starting to get to me. So...its a conflict. And, not being a big fan of the conflict... it sucks.

However, I have learned that what is a big deal today, will most likely be a little deal later... and probably right around the corner is a different big deal. So, I am gonna hang tough for a bit... and keep reembering the things I love. My actual job duties... my coworkers, the people I speak to frequently, my benefits and of course... that bimonthly pay check,lol.

Today... I made the yummiest chili ever, with my right hand man Josh. We also made those garlic cheesy buttery biscuts... almost heaven.

I am anxiously awaiting my zoo membership card, as is the boys and my parents. I am going to get all of us together... w/ hopefully at least my nephew along for kicks. Hopefully we can get that accomplished in the next 2 weeks or so.

Have a safe and happy new years eve and day!

awwwww....

So my adult children have been visiting a lot during this holiday season. When adult children come to visit, it is wonderful... and horrible,lol.

I am, of course, very glad they visit... sometimes they think I am a maid, which is horrible, cuz... well...I'm not. They are in and out...sometimes they leave messes and forget to close the door. They speak to eachother like soldiers or professional athletes. I am not a big fan of that language... which they do try to curtail... but it still sneaks out.

Today, as we were laying around again, watching Law and Order SVU together... Josh said "Hey Mom... I really like coming home to visit"

I almost cried...and said... I really like having you come home to visit.

It's Winter!

It is a bit chilly and rainy here in AZ. The boys and I got the tree started,lol no need to rush yanno...

Today I am not feeling well... hopefully tomorrow I feel better.

I found a camera for my cutie nephew for Christmas... I am so excited to give it to him!

I have done no other shopping whatsoever,lol. I need to figure out what to get my parents and my nephews parents...Harder than heck to shop for!

Hope all of you are having a great night and week.

Lisa

its all better now....

Well... not everything perfect of course,lol. But... all that stuff worked itself out. Such is life!

My sons came home today, going to spend several days w/ me at the house. I will advise later if it was a happy holiday or not,lol.

I am working tomorrow, and friday... will have the weekend off and celebrating Thanksgiving on Sunday. My Mom, Dad, boys, and hopefully my sister and her family will be there, in my mom's new kitchen. I am bringing the usual...rolls and apple pie.

I am going to try to get my tree up Saturday w/ the boys... I have not decorated a tree in 2 years... getting excited!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Lisa

one rough week!

Not really a whining post... just I really can't believe all this crap happened week....

First off, I went to a party and had a really awesome time, until right at the end when the cousin of the host started saying mean and vulgar stuff to me on the way out the door... I'm not really used to stuff like that happening, and I kinda take it to heart.

Then the next day... my best friend ( who I am forever posting about here, how much I am thankful for her etc...) had a birthday party.I didn't know she was having it until a few hrs before it was to happen. Then, I had the opportunity to work OT, which I took. That really hurt my friends feelings... and it damaged our relationship... making me very very sad. I tried to explain my reasons to her... but she was not havin it,lol.

Then... the next day, my sons apt was broken into and a lot of things were stolen. To make matters worse, it was someone they knew. One of the things taken was my son's laptop that he uses for school. Could I get any sadder... yep... I could...

When I got to the apt... there was a lot of yelling, screaming... they are young... they are going to kill ppl,lol. I said hey guys let's calm down and take this one step at a time.

That was not what they wanted to hear. Josh got into my face and said "F you..."

Yep, that is about as sad as a girl can get right there. So, at that point, I told them I loved them w/ all my heart, I was sorry it had happened to them and to let me know if there was anything I could do.

Of course now, Josh feels bad, my heart still hurts... but i'm working on getting over it.

Joel got a new laptop the other day... the other stuff was "toys"- video games/systems and Ipods etc. big bummer but they do not prevent you from handling life.

They are moving to another apt in the complex on the other side... they are happy about that part. Joel is set for class... now to get the car fixed and see about replacing some of the other things.

As far as my friend, we are talking but it isn't the same... hopefully that works out.

One more day of work until my weekend and I am planning some R and R!

its been awhile

and I'm still not whining,lol just being a little busy.

Hmm...what's goin on w/ me? Nothing new I guess.

I have been filling my freezer and really freezing a lot of food for myself, and to send over to the boys freezer.Shredded chicken,pulled pork, mashed potatoes and sliced bell peppers went in this week. They love/appreciate that, and it has been making it easier for me not to have to eat the same thing all darn week long,lol.

So, I got a hilarious txt forward today that said..."Isn't it interesting after Monday (M) and Tuesday (T) the rest of the week is WTF?" I think that is hilarious!

Weird weather here in az... hot, then freezing, sunny,cloudy... never know what we are getting into.

I'm gonna attempt to take some pics this weekend and to some more getting rid of crap/piles of paper. Looking forward to not working either of my days off this weekend,lol.

Oops... Just got word Josh is coming home for the weekend, and also I am going to a party on Saturday evening w/ some coworkers. Going to be fun!

done whining for now....

I decided I dont like it when I whine,lol.

I am still not thrilled w/ how I am being treated at work, but knowing that other people noticed my plight helped my attitude about it.

I might still like to have a relationship but in the meantime, I am going to enjoy eating chocolate poptarts in bed and being in charge of the remote. I am going to enjoy the quiet, the being able to put myself first and be selfish if I feel like it. At least... I am going to try,lol.

I spent a great weekend w/ Josh... who decided to spend an extra day at home w/ me. We made chorizo potato and egg burritos together ( fun... I miss that) and he took the leftovers home. When he got out of the car he said "Mom... thanks for everything, especially these leftovers." How stinking cute is that?

I'm at work now, 20 mins to go... looking forward to getting home to watch my dvd that just arrived from Netflix...Quincy MD Season 2.

whining

I do not like how I am being treated at my job. However, I love my job and want to stay... what a conflict... for now, I am going to try to ride this one out... things change fairly quickly there.

In my personal life... no change. Not a man w/i miles,lol.

Again, there is more conflict. I am perfectly fine single, and I remember what it is like to be w/ the wrong person... no way, no how do I want to do that again. I can eat in bed... control the remote, do what I want/when I want... and I try to remember that when I am feeling down.

But I want someone in my life. I do not "have" to have someone. Everywhere I look, there are couples. When I get off of work, there is no one to tell about my day. When I want to go to the store, I go alone. When I am having a problem, it is all mine,lol. I do everything...alone. It is getting a little lonely.

I have a couple of really good girlfriends for the first time in my life. I am still very happy/feel blessed about that. But... its not the same.

I keep hearing married women say how lucky I am to be single. I also keep hearing that he is out there somewhere... where, dammit? lol. My eyes and heart are open.

I am also totally disgusted at the number of 20 yr old men, and married men that want to "hook up" ugh!

Anyway... since I always like to end on a positive note. I am thankful to have a job to be mad at. I am so very thankful for my health insurance. I am thankful not to have mental illness ( at least I think I don't,lol). I am thankful for a working vehicle, a full refrigerator, a new purse and new ipod speaker thing, and awesome sons. I am thankful I am healthy enough to be able to walk into work today, and that I can still type and do all of the things I need to do today.

Hope everyone is having a day where they too, can count their blessings.

Lisa

baking up a storm!

I have the bread machine going ( homeade soft pretzels) baking chocolate pb cookies, and have some pork in the crockpot for pulled pork. I have no idea what I am going to do w/ all this food...but it seemed like a good idea at the time,lol.

Monday I took a day off of work, and had a great day scrapbooking and purse shopping.
I am not into purses at all... but I "needed" a new more professional bag for work, that would hold my classic size franklin covey planner...plus you know... camera phone, etc. So, the franklin covey store isn't too too far from the scrapbook store, and I got lucky that the one bag I had been eyeing online was on clearance... so I loaded it up w/ all my stuff ( just to make sure it would fit, and I could lift it,lol) and brought her home.

Spent some time w/ the boys... Josh is actually home visting all week this week before returning to reality...good to have him around!

Have a great and safe rest of the week!

I promise I am not anti-social

but I had the best day at home, all by myself...not having to go anywhere! It was awesome. I got a few things done, but mostly I just relaxed and only did what I felt like doing...which was...
1) watch lifetime movies (X2)
2) scrapbook 3 pages,reorganize my alpha stickers and put away some chipboard alphas
3) made about the yummiest peachy applesauce I have ever smelled/tasted
4) backed up some computer files and messed around on the internet

I also did a couple loads of laundry, did the dusting and cleaning out of the fridge.All that is left tomorrow is the vacuuming, a couple of shopping errands and more relaxing,lol.

hope you are having a great weekend too!

life is good today

love that song... toes, by zac brown band...

anywhoo... worked 21 days straight. That is a lot,lol. My body and mind are mushy. Payday will be a happy one.

update on the friend who happens to be a boy... he will be staying a friend, although a good one.

I have the next 3 days off, and I have big plans to do as little as possible.

I am going to visit my mom on Tues, and she is going to color my hair. When I called to invite the boys, I said "Josh, I am going to Grandma's on Tuesday, would you like to go?" w/o hesitation he says... "Oh yes, I have no clean clothes" LOL- apt laundry is horribly expensive, and since I normally take a couple loads home w/ me when I visit, and I have not been able to visit, I have Josh running around the big city in unclean clothes! Hopefully by now he has done at least 1 load somewhere.

I am hoping to do some scrapbooking and movie watching tomorrow... just "chillin" as the boys would say.

I had a new friend over today, who is the mom of 5 kids. After our visit she says "It was really nice just talking w/o kids" lol. I know exactly what she means,although sometimes I think it gets a lil quiet here.

life is good today

back in the saddle....

I am feeling more like my old self again here as of late...

Some things for me to remember...

for the very very first time in my whole adult life I have a best girlfriend. I am soo soo happy about it. She is very supportive, but direct/honest like me. I love her!

My kids are doing so well. Very proud of them still.

I am only sorta, kinda, talking to/spending time w/ a friend who happens to be a boy... and who is also very supportive of me.

My bosses' boss seems to think I am doing a really good job.

just lots to be thankful for... blessings to be counted.

quick update

The fridge was kaputz... it has now been replaced and even made it to the grocery store,lol.

My sons are doing really well... living on their own. It is weird to go to their house and follow their house rules,lol.

I asked who cooks... Josh said "Well, I like living here... so I do it" ( this is in reference to Joels inablity to cook, as well as how dangerous it is for everyone involved). Josh then went on to say that Joel does other chores while he makes dinner, like taking out the garbage or "whatever I make him do" lol. FYI- Josh is the younger brother.

Im having some work problems, and some social/man type problems, but mostly doing pretty well.

I have gotten increasingly lazy lately... watching a heck of a lot of TV.

Started doing a little better at shopping and cooking for one...

This weekend brings my 42nd birthday, Joels 20th birthday and my nephews 3rd birthday. Good Times!

UGH!

This is really a not so good day!

I went to visit a friend in a town about 45 minutes from me last night. That went good/fine...whatever...

Anyway I get home in time to let the guy from Direct TV in ( as my satellite in my family room is not working... first ugh)

to find that my refrigerator is not working correctly! Everything in the freezer part is cold, but defrosted, and everything in the fridge is not so cold. So, now I am trying to figure out whats going on there.

I did things that I can think of and am now trying to see if any of them work,lol. If not I guess I will have to cross that bridge. Thankfully I have a deep freezer and my boys had been here all week, leaving the fridge almost empty anyway,lol.

Going to be trying to enjoy a 3 day weekend... starting today, as soon as the satelite guy gets everything working!

Have a great and peaceful weekend!

Lisa

notice the big poofy hair

and please, please remember it was 1993... lol Josh squirming around on my lap... joel acting like the monkeys... a great day to remember. We were talking last week about going to the zoo, and josh says... "Mom... you could force me to go to the zoo when I was little... but not now" Apperantly he has different memories than I do... funny how that works. I drug him crying from the zoo several times when he did not want to leave.

Other than my house, the zoo is my favorite place in the whole world... and I dont get there as often as I would like. I think I need to make it a goal to change that.

Tomorrow my Uncle David, my parents, sons and hopefully my sister and her family are getting together for the first time in a lot of years... not sure how many... My Uncle lives in IL, and rode his motorcycle out here... in August... guess he was really wanting a visit huh,lol.

I was really really proud of my teenage knuckleheads when they asked "what time are you picking us up to go to Grandmas?" I had sort of assumed that they probably would not want to spend a weekend day hanging around w/ old ppl... but they are looking forward to it too! I'm still learning so much from them, and about them.

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift... that's why it's called the Present... Have a great Today!

flashbacks

June of 1994... Josh was 3, Joel 4.5... very close way back then too.

Today they came by to visit, do laundry and pick up a few more things. Where one goes, the other goes... the whole time they were here, they were in the same room as the other.

We ate the requested biscuts and gravy... they helped me w/ a few guy things that needed to be done around here.

It was a great day! I'm already looking forward to next Sunday when I can see them again.

Work is driving me crazy. I figured out I love my job but hate working where I work, if that makes any sense. What I am going to do about it... I'm not sure...

It is hotter than heck here in az...just polished off a pint of Ben and Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch Ice Cream!

This tikiman has been Josh's for several years now. Now that he has moved out, it sits in his doorway. He decided that everyone who comes into his apartment should rub his head, for good luck and good karma to all who enter....

yes, I follow directions and rub its head when I visit.

so sorry computer issues here....

Well, lots goin on around here at the farm,lol. My youngest moved out, and in w/his brother so... i have an empty nest.... except for these critters and the dogs.

I have been doing just fine except last night. I went to visit them, and when I left I was pretty sad. When I am at home, or out and about, I am fine w/ the whole deal. I am just so very proud of both of them, and they are doing good.

My puter is not, but I have a plan of action now,lol so hopefully this weekend I will be back in business.

It is hotter than heck here... but I guess that is to be expected when you live in AZ.

Will attempt to do a better blogging job,lol.

whoops!

Been awhile-huh? lol...
I have been pretty busy, and i am having a computer issue. Spent Memorial Day weekend in Flagstaff at my parents cabin- awesome awesome awesome. I promise to show some pictures when I get this machine running properly...

Joel finished his soph year at ASU- still doing well, of course still proud as heck w/ him. He is going to stay in the city this summer.

Josh is doing well too- lots of different irons in the fire... will have to update

Im doing pretty good... have an apt w/ a specialist at the university medical center- just to make sure we are doing all we can for me health-wise.

Anywhoo- gotta run will update more later...

Peace,
Lisa

Happy Mother's Day

Today was an awesome day! Both my sons remembered to say "Happy Mother's Day" to me this morning. I spent the morning in bed, dozing on and off and watching Lifetime Movie Network. Now I am at work, helping other people. Awesome, I tell you, just awesome!

Counting down 11 more sleeps until I go up north to my parents' cabin for 5 glorious days!

Happy Mother's Day to all Mothers out there!

Lisa

Papa, Shawnie, Joel and Josh

I have always loved this photo. Its from 1993- a lifetime ago it seems. My father in law, "Papa" as you have heard me refer to him- wanted to take Joel and Josh to the airport to watch the airplanes. During our school break, we went and had a super day, as you can tell by these smiling faces. This was a very happy memory for me.

Papa talked about it for years to come as well. My sons have long since forgotten this day- I think its about time I take out this photo!

The weather in AZ is getting hotter. Josh is enjoying his new church. I have been out on a few dates w/ what just might be a nice guy,lol.

I had my eval at work- I guess they are going to keep me around for another year.

My ankle is mostly better, still kinda funky looking.

Today I did a lot of scrapbooking, and tonight I am going out for karaoke- great day!

work...

Two days before this picture was taken ( at our work apprecation party) I was walking into my job. I walked right past 3 people, said hi, and not even one of them stopped what they were doing to look up and reply. These are people I have worked w/ for 2 years. We depend on eachother.

So I started thinking back to a conversation I had had w/ another friend from work, about that same topic. Feeling invisible. Would anyone even notice if I wasn't there. I don't think I am irreplaceable- but I am unique, different, no one is exactly like me blah blah blah. Would anyone care at all if I was no longer employed there. I vowed that day, to do a better job of letting the people who mean something to me, know it.

And then, here we are at our work appreciation day. Our supervisors care if we show up ( lol). This happens to be a week dedicated to recognizing 911 dispatchers... so several people from our police fire and ems departments took time to acknowledge the work we do. Some even stopped to talk to me specifically about things I have done for them, or that they have noticed/felt during the past year.

So, I guess feeling sorry for myself was as silly as it felt,lol. I need to remember that every other Friday I am thanked for my work, and that I need to do my part in recognizing others and making sure they know that I care about them.

Lisa

Dude

This is my son Joel's dog, who we got after I ran his other dog, Buddy over in my Suburban.

We got him right after Dude,Where's My Car was released. Dude was Joels favorite word... it began every sentence. He even called me Dude.... occasionally it was "Dude,Mom" but usually just Dude. ( that was if he wasn't calling me coach... but thats another blog entry altogether.)

He loves this dog... and now that he is at ASU Josh has kinda had to let him start sleeping w/ him and all of that.

One interesting thing about this dog is he never wants to lay his face on the same level as his body... as evidenced in this typical photo of him.

We love you... Dude.

my middle name is not Grace

Before you say... I so did not need to see that... I assure you that is not the worst picture.

I was walking down my steps to go to work, and cut my ankle on a piece of pottery. It was/is pretty painful... even for a tough chick like me,lol.

Our ER wasn't that busy... so I was in/out in under 90 mins... w/ 6 stitches. When leaving they advised me to keep it put up and stay off of it. My darling son starts getting annoyed w/ me, because my plans are to head to work after dropping him back off at home ( and changing shoes,lol). He says "Mom... if you were my kid... you would not be going to work" I am still laughing over that one.

For the record... I did go to work after, its not like I have to run around at my job or anything.

It is feeling better today so far... and the "wound care specialist" says it is looking good.

Tip of the day... watch where you are going!

going in......

I took 3 days off work, well... 2 were my weekend,lol i just added a day. But the plan is to clean/organize the closet and paperwork... finish my taxes... hopefully i come out of the closet ok,lol...

Then, I am bracing myself for some crazy times at work for the next 2 weeks. I just keep reminding myself that it is only for two weeks,lol.

Anway- i love other peoples before and after pictures but I am way too embarrassed to post my before pix. So, I will post my after pics.

Ok... going in.

Josh's 18th Birthday

Here we are.... Josh is now 18. All my kids are adults... at least legally,lol.

We went again, for Native New Yorker hot wings,lol- love those wings! Dina, Max, my parents and Joel and I were there to help him celebrate.

18 things I love about Josh-

He is kind.

He is thoughtful.

He is truly good to others, especially people who have challenges in their life.

He is good to animals.

He can get along w/ almost anyone- all different types of people.

He reminds me that not everything is serious.

He knows how to have fun.

He does what he thinks is right w/o regard for others' opinions of him/it.

He has overcome some personal challenges and is doing just great!

He has an amazing relationship w/ his brother. So close and so good.

He always says "I love you, Mom" when hanging up w/ me or leaving the house.

He can always find "what stinks" in the house w/ his supersonic nose.

He doesn't judge others.

He is an awesome cook.

He is honest w/ himself, about himself.

Even at 18, he still discovers new things as if he were a small child, with wonder and excitement.

He is always trying to learn new things.

He is so dang smart- and doesn't realize it yet.

soooo freaking frustrated!

the title really does say it all...

Yep...i know things will get better.... I know it does no flippin good to try to worry about things that are not in your control... and I know I need to count my blessings ( of which I really do have many)...

Just right now, at this moment... i am frustrated about a whole bunch of stuff that isn't in my control, and I suppose in the grande scheme of life and death really don't even matter.

Why... oh why... can't everyone just agree w/ me and do what I think is the right thing to do,lol.....

Carry on....

just to clarify things....

Feb 1 is not the #1 day,lol..... Superbowl Sunday is the #1 day for DV in this country, followed by Christmas at a close second.

saturday

I spent the day at my parents, who were watching this adorable creature... my nephew.My mom does my hair color every month... so today while it was doing its thing... i took a few pictures of my nephew, with his most favorite person in the world.

Work is a little stressful right now, my supervisor and I were at odds... i think that has worked itself out for the most part. There will be changes happening... and ya'll know how much I like change...

Tomorrow will be a fun day... more baseball for joel and then working on the #1 day for domestic violence in this country,lol.

With that said... be kind to everyone!

Lisa

Friends.....

These 3 boys have been friends for around 6 years... now they are roomates. The end two are in school still... the middle guy just graduated and bought a house. I love to watch them interact w/ eachother. They joke,banter... and truly have eachothers backs.They play sports together... relax together... shop together and are learning about life together. They all have different strengths... its awesome. They would never admit it... but I think they love eachother... they are kinda like a family.

This has made me take a look at my friendships and get to work on building some like these guys have.

Friday fill ins... on Friday even,lol.

1. The world is __ours... lets be good to it__.

2. ___"Craptacular"__ was the last thing I said.

3. I wonder _what I will be doing next year at this time____.

4. ___Peace is __ at the end of all things.

5. There's something to be said for __honesty... just do it___.

6. ____Taking a nap on the couch_ is where I want to be.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to ___karaoke__, tomorrow my plans include ____being lazy_ and Sunday, I want to ___have lunch w/ my sons and head to work__!

I know its Sunday... but here are my Friday fill ins...

Friday Fill in... day late... dollar short,lol.


1. I must __find love___ before I die.

2. You can't stop __time___.

3. I wish I never had to buy __tires___ again.

4. _franklin covey____ has helped me change my life.

5. I know the song __what the world needs now___ by heart.

6. If I weren't so afraid, I would _trust more easily____.

a peek into our christmas

This is my jokester josh... My camera was on some freaky setting while opening presents... so when I asked him to recreate the scene... well.. this is what I got.

We had a wonderful time w/ family... as always.

Hope everyone else had a wonderful time too.

Peace

ho ho ho

Merry Christmas!

Just a quickie

Just some journaling prompts from another site...


1.My stomach is crampy.
2. Broccoli cheese casserole is what I ate the most of on Thursday.
3. The yard is ok, just ok.
4. My scraproom is where I'd rather be at any given time.
5. The smell of apples reminds me of when i was teaching.
6. Peace is what I need right now!

Happy Thanksgiving

As in recent years' past... the boys and I headed to my Mom's for Thankgsgiving.Again, as usual... I took the rolls and the pies... if I do say so myself, I make the best rolls and the best pies on the planet.

My dad had a football game to go to, and my sister and her husband had a basketball game to go to, so after dinner when everyone cleared out, my mom colored my hair. All of a sudden Joel remarks "hey... its quiet in here... oh yeah... Grandpa left" LOL... which lead to a huge discussion about how grandpa is,lol.He is the nicest man ever... but is always talking!!!

Max was so excited to have everyone around that he didn't eat much... but he was a pretty loud guy too. He is starting to learn people's names, and he could say Josh's name, so he just kept saying it over and over and over. Too cute!!!

I am more thankful for today however... stay home w/ a new magazine on a cloudy arizona day... very cool indeed.

ouch

Well... you know how we celebrate our children's milestones? I am not celebrating,lol. It's Joel's first accident. Ugh....

What I am celebrating is the way he handled/is handling himself. Being a 911 dispatcher I often hear about people leaving the scene, or starting fights, or behaving badly in light of a stressful situaton.

What Joel did was call his brother first...(and while I am a little annoyed at that... he was on the way to pick him up) stayed there, checked on the people in the other car, was respectful to everyone there and handled himself in a generally grown up fashion. Of course I was at work. Since I have been working there I had always wondered how I would handle things if one of my kiddos had an emergency while I was there. More on that tomorrow... its a "deep thought" thing,lol.

Not sure what we are going to do w/ this car exactly- it all depends. For now, he is skateboarding everywhere he needs to go, which is pretty convinient for him at school.

Drive safely everyone! ( and no he wasn't texting at the time of the accident,lol.)

updates and a new photo

The date was fine. He is nice, he has a lot of the same family values as I do. That's the good part... He seems to have a facinaton w/ dragons... I am not sure what is up w/ that yet... I may go out w/ him again...

I did go to the zoo on Saturday as well... and I always take pics like I have never been there before,lol. But who could resist this sweet face?? Our zoo is working on a new exibit for these guys... a multi million dollar project... It is in process now... anxious to see what happens.

I had a pretty busy weekend... didn't really relax much... now I am going into my work week a lil tired. I guess I am not as young as I used to be,lol...


Short post... that's all for now! Peace!

being sociable is tough

or is it just me??? Meeting new people, smiling, dating... being nice... ugh...

I think I just am going to buy some cats... and become the crazy old maid on the corner,lol.

Ok... I am going out to dinner tonight... lets see how this goes

I'm back baby... I am back

This photo was taken at the end of october- at the first game that I have been "allowed " to go to in over a year. Last year, Joel played w/ some college friends, but he said " Moms don't go to their son's games if they are adults... geez". So... I didn't go, but I was sad. I get that he's an adult.. and this isn't T-ball anymore.

But, for years, my whole social live revolved aroune his sports activities and when he went off to college all of that stopped. I had nowhere that I had to rush to... no games to watch.

I was thrilled to be invited to this game. Joel is playing w/ some kids from his former high school... that I used to watch him play baseball with. That was awesome as well. I was bummed to find out that last week (when I wasn't invited,lol) he hit a homerun... ahh well... maybe next week! They won this game... as well as the game that would be played the next week.

Again.... we are back in 1993 (can you tell this is how far I have gotten in my LOM photo organization,lol) anyway, thats my sister, and my boys... hanging out waiting to go trick or treating...

This Halloween, in 2008 we are all doing our own thing. Joel is in Tempe... going to a party that I am pretty sure I want to know nothing aobut.Josh is going to a party with his girlfriend ( and to be honest... they both do not need costumes) so today, after telling me yesterday that "costumes are gay" we had to go on an emergency shopping expedition in our small town,lol. He is a "zombie doctor" whatever that is. They are attending a party at her church.

I had a few different things to choose from. I am going on a dinner date, and then to karaoke... at least... at 5 pm... thats what I think I am gonna do..

Anyway... Happy Halloweenie to all....
lisa

advice

I don't know if this is advice exactly... It is something I said to someone last week, and for some reason has been weighing on my mind a lot today...

Marriage is hard...Divorce is hard...Life is hard...

Not sure why its on my mind today. Maybe I am supposed to remember that as I go to work today, or maybe I need to remember it at my own house...

Today I am going to do my best to be as kind to people as I possibly can... everyone is having a hard time.

Lisa

Max

This is Mischievous Max. He isn't really,lol but that look on his face almost has me convinced otherwise.

I had my sons at 22 and 23 yrs old. I had been married 4 years when we had our first-Joel. Josh came 18 months later, and although at the time I was one tired mama... I wouldn't change a minute of it. I am still tired,lol much older but it has been a great ride. Joel is now 19, Josh is 17.5.

As with most people without children... my sister knew she was a way better parent than I am. For 16 years I stood by... doing my best, however imperfect it was... listening to how I was doin it wrong. Its only fair... I taught for 8 years before I had Joel, and while I would like to think I was not as judgemental as my sister... I am sure I thought at least once that I could do it much better. Karma.... lol.

Joel was so intense from birth. He cried loud and hard and knew what he wanted. As he got to be 2... His temper tantrums were as intense. So was his joy... but no one ever faults a parent for that,lol. Josh was more easygoing... which was great then, cuz Joel was about enough...

Max at 2 is very different from either of my kids. My sister is a much older first time mom than I was... 36 at the time of his birth. She parents very differently than I did. Not wrong.. goodness knows I have learned never to say that... but different. Maybe Max is different because she is different... or she is different because Max is... who knows.

That boy adores my dad- which is pretty cool to see. My kiddos were closer to their dad's dad... and me. Max is able to sit in a highchair for what seems like forever to me. Joel was one of those kids who had to be walked around outside until the food came. Max is quiet. Really quiet. Joel was... well not quiet. Josh was quieter, I think, but not too sure since Joel was making so much noise. Joel and Josh both were very confident kids- not shy... talk to anyone/everyone...and wanted to do everything themselves. We had many a meltdown if I opened the doorknob instead of checking who's turn it really was,for example. Max does not talk much at all... is very shy and doesn't seem to be as insistant at "doing it himself" and looks at my dad before he makes a move to do anything.It is really interesting to see.

Now that my sister has had him... she realizes it isn't easy as it looks... I am hearing through my mom that my sister thinks her assessment of me may have been too harsh. Like I said... Karma.

Have a good one... and lets try to be uplifting to all parents out there!

the desert

This photo was taken over 15 yrs ago,lol, in the dead of summer.It pretty much always looks like this here... what everyone has heard about us not having seasons. We have hot and hotter,ya know?


I am liking my new schedule... it is more "normal" than I have been working most of the last 2 years. Weekends off.. and working swing shift. I can sleep in every day... woo hoo!

Paintball season is going strong again... Josh has been busy w/ that... and I have been busy shuffling him everywhere he needs to be,lol.

Joel is doing well at school... I hardly see him anymore... sniff sniff.

I have become an absolute IPOD freak. I embarrass myself,lol but I love it. I have accessories now too... I spend hours adjusting playlists... it is almost becoming a hobby... must stop...

I decided to try to loose weight again. I was successful last time... and at some point kinda gave up... I haven't really gained any back.. but I would like to keep going... with my new schedule I think I am going to try to start walking... My motto is no pain... no pain... so I will never be a runner or big into fitness,lol but I think I could walk a little bit.

And... I went back to church last week... something else I have not had the opportunity to do in the past 2 years. It felt great... I am going to continue that.

me a-z

A. Attached or single? Single

B. Best friend? I don't have one

C. Cake or pie? Pie

D. Day of choice? Love Sundays

E. Essential item? I dunno- water and medication I guess,lol.

F. Favorite color? navy blue

G. Gummy bears or worms? worms

H. Hometown? Phoenix Az

I. Indulgence? Sonic Drinks, scrapbooking supplies

J. January or July? July

K. Kids? Two

L. Life isn’t complete without? my kids, of course

M. Marriage date? eh who cares,lol

N. Number of brothers & sisters? 1 sister

O. Oranges or apples? I'm picky. Green apples

P. Phobias? change/chaos/disorder

Q. Quotes? Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start over and make a brand new ending. ( Thank God for this, huh?)

R. Reasons to smile? happy healthy kids, a good job, everything we need

S. Season of choice? az really doesn't have seasons but I don't like the cold

T. Truth or dare?? Truth.... always

U. Unknown fact about me? I do not like any raw vegetables

V. Vegetable? sweet potato

W. Worst habits? I worry waay too much.If I am not worried, I start worrying that I am forgetting what I am supposed to be worried about... working on it,lol.

X. X-ray or ultrasound? I've had both.

Y. Your favorite food? pizza

Z. Zodiac sign? I'm a Virgo

the times they are a changin.......

Joel doesn't need to call me every day anymore.

Josh is almost done w/ high school- probably will be taking classes at the community college next semester.

My schedule is changing again at work ( I am happy w/ the change, but I hate changing so freaking often,lol.)

The weather is cooling off a bit- we don't get over a hundred anymore.

I am beginning to like technology. I also still love the slow old fashioned antique-y kinda stuff, but this fast computer,ipod,digital camera etc stuff is kinda cool too.

Ok well- I am stumped on anymore changes,lol. Apperantly since I don't really like change that feels like a lot but when you write it down it doesn't seem as much.

nap time

My kids were good sleepers. They really honestly were. I was lucky like that.

Except that any time we tried to deviate from nap/bed time, this is what we got. Kids falling asleep on us,lol. No matter what, no matter where, if it was noon or 8 pm, they fell asleep.

Once when Joel was 5, it was a Saturday night and we were enjoying the company of some friends at their house. Kids playing, adults watching a movie, just relaxing and having a good time.

Joel read the clock and panicked- it was 755 pm. He made such a production about how his bedtime was at 8 and we needed to start for home. Alas, since he was sucking all the fun out of the evening,lol... we did.

When Joel went to first grade, he told his teacher on the first day that he would not be able to stay until 230 pm, since his nap was actually at noon.

He actually made it though school, but his entire first grade year he took a nap right after school.

He stopped taking naps in the second grade, but as a teenager started napping again, and now, at 19 still loves his naps.

'cuz i am cool like that........

This picture is of my kids dad, and both kiddos.The point of this photo is that my youngest son, seen here in the red sweatpants and diaper- a fashion trend in its infancy.

Who could have predicted that 16 yrs later, he would still be wearing his pants like that? More pics to follow,lol.

the annual birthday bash

The end of Aug/beginning of September brings many birthdays to the Trebitowski/Smith/Brown group. My birthday, my late FIL's birthday and my new nephew's birthday is all on the same day- whew! Joels birthday comes 2 days later, and them my sisters during the next week. This year we met again, at the Native New Yorker for some good food and good converstation. This year we had a 2yr old at the table, who I am pretty sure was quieter than the two teenage boys I brought w/ me,lol.

Josh always gets 20 dollars from Grandma/Grandpa with a card that says "just because". Joel gets the same on Josh's birthday. They started that when they were little, and I guess it is a tradition now.

We all got funny cards, very fitting for our personalites. I am not going to share the cards here- its just a lil bit too honest,lol.

Things I hope I never forget about this day:

1) When Josh ordered a hamburger and the waitress asked him how he would like it cooked, he replied " Um..Good??" He reported after dinner that it was, in fact, good.

2) How my dad is w/ my nephew. He is very doting, tries to fix each and every thing that could potentially bother him, and jealous if anyone tries to hold/talk to him. He even took him away from my mom today,lol. I will admit that if I had to guess, my dad is my nephews favorite person in the whole world.

3) Today, I noticed that I like to chew on straws ( today I was not but I often do) Joel likes to chew on straws ( this I had noticed before, since he also leaves them around the house) but my nephew also, loves to chew on straws. We are weird.

4) My family, as nutty as they can be- are very supportive of me, and my kids. That's cool.

Papa

This photo is from the mid 90s, I think 1995, not sure really. Its a picture of Josh and his paternal grandfather. After my sons were born, he was known to just about everyone as "Papa". Papa was a good kind man, who valued family over everything else. He really enjoyed fishing, camping, riding quads/4x4. He was always up for coming over for dinner, going out for a quick snack or just doing the regular everyday things.

He and I shared a birthday, that was pretty cool.

He lost Joel once, in a store, before Joel was even walking ( don't ask, I still don't understand how it could happen) and 2 years later he lost my dog. I never let him watch anything again,lol- even though I found both my son, and my dog.

After the boys' dad and I divorced, he and I stayed close, I still considered him my FIL. He was still there for the boys, went to as many activities as he possibly could, and always had time for their phone calls. He even, from time to time, listened to me vent about his son. He was an amazing man.

He passed away suddenly a few yrs ago, a great man gone too soon. There are just no words to express all he did for me, and my sons during his time here.

Joel and I were going through some scrapbooks the other day and Joel, a boy of few words, and even fewer feelings said simply "I wish Grandpa was still here"

Me too... Me too.

just so you don't think i am on crack

heres the picture referenced in the post below,lol.

flashback

This is a pic of my sons back in Dec of 92. They loved the zoo as much as I did back then. This tractor was in the childrens zoo area and it was important for us to visit and take a pic each time we went. Good Times, good times.

I only got to the zoo once this summer. It is hard to go when it is so hot and this summer I have been working nights so that kinda complicated things also. I am hopefully switching to days in the not to distant future and w/ the weather cooling off I plan to visit it often, if for no other reason than it is a good place to walk.

I have been doing a lot of organizing lately, organizing photos on my computer, as well as files and actual pictures. I have even organized my scrap area and I could scrap there if I so desired,lol. Maybe next week- I am too pooped from the organizing part,lol.

ipods and little update

My ex, after realizing that although i would let him stay here, that I was not a bank decided that this is not the best place for him to stay (lmbo). So, it is over already and w/o any ugly. I guess he did have somewhere else to stay after all,lol.

I had decided that 2008 was going to be the year that the Browns moved into the era of technology. I know, most of you are already here,lol it sometimes takes me awhile to catch up.

I got a new computer, ditched dial up and now we even have ipods. I think we were the last three people on the planet to not have an mp3 player, with the exception of my parents.We are all 3 in love w/ ours, and now I am on the hunt for a good speaker/dock. There are so many choices, I am overwhelmed,lol.

Joel is getting ready to go back to ASU, Josh is going to take GED classes and stay in his online highschool program ( I know, I know. But no dropping out allowed here- if he passes I will let him stop going to high school,lol) All three of us are working ( me a little too much, josh just right and joel a little too little,lol) and have lots of good stuff going on.

I started reading Photo Freeom and am obsessed w/ this organizational method- so thats taking up a lot of my spare time.

And- I went to the movies w/ someone. Pretty exciting in and of itself,lol lets see what happens here.

drama, karma, kindness

My life has not been without drama, but as of late, I have spent my time attempting to create a drama free life. I have done a pretty good job, especially considering I have two teenage boys.

Some drama entered my life today. My kids dad has found himself w/ no where to go. We have a long history, most of it not good. We met at 15, so that was 25 yrs ago. I will save the long story of why the marriage did not work. Since we have been divorced, he has been shall we say, less than kind. When my second husband and I decided I should be a stay home mom, he called me lazy and every other possible name in the book. He is months behind on child support. Now, here he is on my doorstep, thousands of dollars behind on child support, asking for me to support not only the two kids by myself, but him too. He is not working and at this time has no prospects. He has a total of 4 children.

He did not even have the gas money to get to my house. That he borrowed from Joel, my oldest son.

People sometimes think that I allow people to walk over me. Thats fine, they can think that, and surely I have been taken advantage of.

I say it takes a lot more strength to be kind to someone who has given you no reason to be kind to them, than it does to be mean. I say tonight when I lay my head on my pillow- I can sleep knowing that I was a decent human being.

That said, I am already supporting two kinds and myself and have no desire to support a man. ( If I was interested in that, I would at least choose someone who was going to give me some benefit,lol.)

I decided to let him stay for a bit. This does put a cramp in everyones style. It may not work very well at all, it could get ugly. It could also be ok. We just don't know.

I guess we will see, drama, karma, or kindness.

Rockin with the rhythm of the rain......

I have been going through some old pictures here lately- attempting organization,lol. I came across this one, and it made me smile. My kids loved these swings, and those goofy boots, and their yard and home. These were mostly happy times, especially for them. It is raining here tonight, so this one caught my eye.

I loved watching them play out there- this night was no different. We had just had a huge storm ( see the large tree branch on the ground in the back?) and it was just sprinkling now. They are swinging away in the rain singing Rain Rain DON'T go away- they loved it.

Good Times...

karaoke

I love karaoke. I honestly really don't know why I like it. I am not a "center of attention" type person.When I do go to karaoke, I stand kinda off to the side. I don't dance, or create any type of attention to myselr- I just want to sing. I think I do ok, no one has ever asked me to stop. I do joke around that the more you drink, the better I will sound,lol.

I am one of the few people in az happy that there is no smoking in bars anymore. I used to be coughing and hacking by the end of the night- not particularly condusive to singing,huh?

I like the smallerish town I live in, I usually see someone I know when I go into my favorite karaoke spot.

The above photo is of the resturant/bar near my parents' cabin. They have karaoke on occasion, and I actually try to plan my trips around when they are going to have it. My dad loves to go too. My mom doesn't love it quite so much,lol and stays home.

I most often sing country songs, usually Wynonna, or Tricia or Martina. Sometimes I get all crazy and sing Cher or Joan Jett.

My sons have been, when they were younger. Both of them can sing, they really liked it back then.... now, they are too "cool".

Anyway- to quote Forrest- "thats all I have to say about that"

Have a peaceful week,
Lisa

rough week at work

I usually don't bring calls home w/ me. So far, I have been pretty good about that. This week was a little rougher to do that, for me.
The first call that tore my heart out was from a man who came across two young boys who had been dropped off at a rest area along the side of the highway. When he met up w/ them, they had been outside for 4 hrs alone. There was a serious langage barrier, between me, and the caller. I was kind of a dork during the call, spanish is not my strong suit, and my first "second language" is police code, so at the end of the call, after trying to decipher his spanish I answered him in police code,lol. But- we got through it. Got the kids some water, some dinner and made contact w/ a relative. Man- some people suck.

The second call, will be w/ me probably forever. A man called and said there were 3 people here that he needed removed from his house. I asked the questions we usually ask, and come to find out they were his children. 4,5,and 6 yrs old, and he wanted "them and all their stuff out of his house" because he wanted to continue drinking and they were not letting him have a good time. He ended up getting arrested, thank God. I hope they let him listen to himself when he sobers up.

I did help some people this week, and hopefully made a difference in someones life. I love my job........ I love my job.........

back from flagstaff

here we are- the back porch. Probably my favorite part of my parents' cabin. I spent the last 4 days there, w/o the boys, but w/ my parents,lol.
We went to a 4th of July BBQ and my dad and I went to Karaoke. I also gave my dad the DVD player for the cabin for Fathers Day( just a little late,lol but just in time for my visit) and I was able to get all caught up on my Netflix movies. I am now just waiting patiently for Monk season 6 to come out on DVD on the 8th and my week will be all set.
I had a rough week last week at work, some pretty crazy stuff happening. I suppose it always happens, just kinda got to me last week.
Anyway- crossing my fingers this week goes well, and we don't have anymore record highs here,lol.

I am still alive

but barely,lol.

Been working a lot, which is both good and bad.I am back on nights, and have weekends off. That is kinda cool, haven't had that in awhile. Maybe I can snare me a man??

ok sorry to be lame for my first blog entry in over 6 months but:

2 things I am wearing:
1) denim dress
2) sandals ( shh they are a brand name sandal that my mom and sister are into- I thought they were crazy to be this excited over a flipping shoe, but they really are comfy)

2 names I have been called:
there are many,lol but nice ones are
1) Lisa, not a lot of nicknames for that one
2) teacherlisa- that was a huge part of my identity for many years. Preschoolers all over az called me "Teacherlisa"... I miss it.

2 things I like to do:
go to the zoo
go to karaoke

2 things I want:
love
sleep

2 favorite beverages
sweet tea
chocolate diet cokes from sonic

2 pets:
Charlie ( my first dog)
Taz ( my favorite dog)

2 things I did yesterday:
work
sleep

2 people I talked to today:
Joel
Josh

2 things I am doing tomorrow:
work
sleep ( see the pattern)

2 longest car rides:
the ride home from carlsbad NM
my sister and I in the back of a stationwagon arguing for 4 days as we drove home from WI as kids.

Gonna go to the zoo tonight, then karaoke. I hope to do more blog entries than I have been lol- just in case anyone still checks on me.

Thanksgiving

So my dorky family has determined that Thanksgiving is just a waste of time. I'm sad about that. Family is it for me, you know? And I was born into this family that just doesn't see things my way. I feel like that one normal chick on the Munsters. I am surrounded by freaks! My sister is going one way, my parents another.
I did convince my kids that it was in their best interest to spend time w/ me that day,lol. Josh wants to have hamburgers for thanksgiving Joel wants ham.LOL I am telling you freaks!
I have to work on Thanksgiving. I'm not upset about it, it is how it is. I get to be off for Christmas though. Looking forward to that, although I might take myself somewhere far far away. I sorta am getting itchy, ready to run. Feeling a little wild, restless.
Did some online shopping. I think the albums I use are getting ready to be discontinued. I panicked and ordered a lifetime supply,lol.
I better get back to scrapbooking......

There is no I in team

There are a few things that are not my favorite about my new job, sorta why they call it work, I guess.

But one of the things that I just don't really understand is the lack of teamwork and professionalism. Of course, not everyone is like this, but it is surely the worst place I have worked with regard to these two issues.

We have two shifts, and that in itself is tough. I don't believe we as people are actually designed to work 12 hr shifts,lol. But we all are doing it. We get three glorious days off each week, and that is nice. There is a lot of competition between the shifts. I don't get that- we are all doing the same job- just at different times. Let's be kind to eachtoher and help eachother out. There are comments everyday like " Those people on day shift, blah blah blah" or the reverse about the night shift.

Last I checked everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Everyone has things they are good at, everyone has things they can improve upon. Look for the strengths in others, and look for ways to improve yourself. Please.

I think we waste a lot of energy and peace that we could have for ourselves with things like this.

OK-I warned you

This post will be the longest in the history of the earth.This post will be about miscarriage. It will be about the first time I seriously thought about leaving my kids' dad.

Let me back up to when I first realized I was pregnant. Although I had wanted a third child,my husband did not. We were not trying to get pregnant, I was taking the pill. My husband, of course, blamed me for getting pregnant. That is a good trick,eh?

My husband wanted me to get an abortion. I am pro choice for other people, pro life for myself. I told him no. He said he would leave if I did not.

I could not decide what to do. This is the proverbial rock and hard place. I have two sons who adore their father. I was proud of still being married to my husband, and our family intact.Is it a bigger sin to divorce or to have an abortion?

I started having physical signs of stress. I turned to my best friends and pastor for guidance.One day, while one of my good friends was there ( who happened to be male) listening to me go on and on about this, my husband came home and became furious that he was there at the house.( Never mind that I had 2 kids there, everyone had all of their clothes on- he decided we were having an affair.) He claimed to be coming home to tell me to go ahead and keep the baby but that although he would not leave he was done taking care of the boys and this future child.

In the end, it would not be up to either of us. I started spotting at work. I was a preschool teacher for Head Start at that time, in a school an hr away from my hometown.I called my doctor, he advised me to go home, and come in to his office the first appointment after lunch. I called my husband to tell him. He said "OK" as if it were nothing.

I got my things together, got some help for my assistant teacher and headed for home. I called my husband again to see if he could pick up our 3 year old from preschool.I was feeling ill and the spotting had gotten worse. I was cramping, and very upset. I was worried that I might not be able to pick him up later.He said no. It was out of his way from work and plus since I was coming home there was no reason for him to do so.

I stopped into the preschool for him, called my brother in law to see if he could help watch him while I went to the doctor so I did not have to take a 3 yr old with me.My brother in law was happy to do it. He was only 16 and more help than my husband. Go figure.

I was weak by the time I got home, everything was much worse. I called my husband, who called me a drama queen,but he did call his grandmother over so my brother in law could drive me to the doctor. How big of him,eh?

My husbands' grandma was wonderful. She kept the kids busy, and let me rest. My brother in law and I went off to the doctor.

The doctor got me in right away, and confirmed my worst fears. I was miscarrying this baby that I had fought so hard to keep. I was devastated. My poor brother in law, again, aged 16 did not know what to do. He said some of the nicest words ever to me "I wish I could make it OK". I need to email him and tell him how much those words meant to me, I think I never let him know.

I called my husband. He said he was too busy at work to come home. My brother in law left but my husbands' grandmother stayed.

Some women barely feel anything physically. I had wonderful labors, so you would think this would not really be a big deal, I was only about 9 weeks. Well, I had some really bad cramping and really, could hardly walk/stand.I stayed in bed.

When my husband came home, he told his grandma that she could go. He then came in and told me that if I thought that I was going to lie there all night feeling sorry for myself while he did all of the work I was crazy. I got up to try to make dinner. I was having a difficult time. He told me to get out of there, that I was disgusting.

The boys sat on the bed with me and watched TV. I told them I was "a little sick". They were worried, as they do now when I am sick. I was so so so sad.

A few hours later, I had an urge to go to the restroom, where I miscarried the baby. The doctor had told me that would happen, so I was sort of prepared. I was supposed to save it, blah blah blah, so they could see what happened.I asked my husband to help. He said he would be there when there was a commercial.I handled it.

I asked him, if at a commercial he could put the kids to bed. He did but complained, and refused to read them the stories that they were used to. I got up and read them their stories.

He came to bed about an hour later and told me he did not know why I was so sad since this whole entire thing was my fault anyway. I cried myself to sleep.

I got counseling after that. I was so sad. I was sad about the baby, I was sad about my marriage.

I had lots of support from work, from my coworkers to parents of kids in my class. They had told my class that I had "lost my baby" and that when I came back to work I might be a little sad about it.

My first day back to work was hard. I had a long commute, lots of time for thinking. I used to sing in the car,now I don't think I will ever sing again. Maybe I will never smile. Everyone in the room was watching me. Trying hard to make sure that it would be as easy as possible. No one knew what to say, if they should say anything or not. Adults can have a tough time with this,being afraid of saying the wrong thing. One of the kids in my class came to me, held my hand and said "Teacherlisa, next time, hold your baby really really close so you don't loose it". Her mother was mortified. She went to pull her away, I pulled her close to me. Those were some beautiful, thoughtful words. This special child, only 4 years old,had the courage to say something, from her heart. She cared so much for me. I will never forget her. She is an example for all of us- say what is in your heart.

That was 13 years ago, and all of us are fine.

Lisa

Reflecting

I was reading some comments before and came across one that said "Who would have thought that things would have changed that much" Well, not me.

I knew things needed to change, and I knew they were going to( as change is inevitable, plus I was making some changes).

As I had mentioned before I was really at a low point in my life at this time last year. I was facing some tough choices, and some tough stuff was being thrown at me.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so they say, but I sure didn't feel it. How could I go on, how could I continue to fight? I had no energy to deal with the things I HAD to deal with. I did not see any way to the other side.

I am so devoted to my kids, so I plugged away at it. Survived. Did what I absolutely had to do each day. Nothing else. Had to get a job, a new place to live. Blah blah blah. I am a big proponent of "fake it till you make it". And, I did.

I didn't think I would be happy.I thought I would always be in survival mode. I thought Joel moving out would put me back however many steps I had moved forward. I thought I could never like any other home other than the house I had in Maricopa.I thought I would always be driving that car that was barely moving down the road.And of course, my heart was closed forever.

That was only 11 months ago, and it seems like a lifetime. I don't even recognize that time in my life.

I am happy. More now than ever. I am living, not surviving. I miss Joel ( ok, sometimes I miss him, sometimes I enjoy the quiet). My house now is fine, and as crazy as it sounds I could actually see myself moving to a totally different place than the place I have always known. I am driving a car that works, and doesn't cause me stress every time I turn over the key.

And, as the saying goes, you find love when you are not looking for it. It really didn't matter that I had decided to go it alone. Work, make new friends, finish raising my kids, get hobbies. I had decided I was just too different from most people to actually find someone that I would be happy to be with, and that would be happy to be with me. I am overjoyed to say that I have found that. Well, he found me.

If ever I am at another point in my life I hope to remember the "Everything happens for a reason" schpiel and all that.

Ok- that is about as much sappiness as I can stand, so the next few posts are going to be about some rough times from my 20's. They will seem vastly different from these posts. They were from another low point, and I think it is good to reflect on those as well. I do NOT feel sorry for myself- so you don't either. But don't read them if you will be disturbed about stories of abuse, violence or miscarriage.( I know I have some softhearted friends out there,lol) I am fine, they were two lifetimes ago.......
Lisa

sleep work sleep

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

I did nothing exciting because all I did was sleep work sleep. It's the story of my life really.

Josh and I did spend some time together, watching Law and Order SVU. We are on season 2 now.

I don't think Joel has been home in 3 weeks now. I have been to see him, I go once a week on my way to Karaoke,lol.

He is all about putting the past behind him, skipping this weeks High School Homecoming Football Game to attend his Frat party.This was the kid that planned to not miss any games. He is even taking his laundry to my mom's. I am a little misty over that one,lol. Proud, but missing him.

Take care,
Lisa

hey there

Feeling blessed today.

Lots of exciting things going on next week, for me. All of us at work are going to some additional training, on giving pre arrival medical instructions to callers in need of EMS services. Even though it means working on one of my days off for the training, and another of my days off to allow the others to go to training, I am excited about it.Love learning new stuff.

I need to go shopping for some new clothes,especially pants.I have lost a little more weight,and it is very very cold in my office at work. Like you don't need to put your lunch in the fridge cold. Like I bring gloves cold. Brrrrrr.I think I am going to have to switch from my Chocolate Diet Coke to some kind of hot coffee drink.

I found this wonderful new bread,made by Sara Lee. It is called thick sliced or something like that. I can only find it at Walmart but I love love love it. It is just the best and I have been eating more sandwiches and toast than I should,lol.

I am hoping to get to the Tucson Zoo in the next couple weeks,they have polar bears there,and I love them,lol. OK so gotta run, getting busy here...

hey hey hey

I went to visit John last week, so sweet but so short.

My work schedule is not changing- whew. I don't love working nights, but I hate change even more,lol. It also really doesn't matter when you work 12 hr shifts, because you are either working, driving to and from work or sleeping. Doesn't really matter what order you do it in, ya know? Work has been tough lately, several shootings and a young child dying under suspicious circumstances. Rough stuff,ya know?

For the past 2 weeks on my days off I have been taking a class for work. It's done now, passed my test, blah blah blah. Two more weeks starting another class, that will go 3 weeks on my days off. OT is great but whew- I am gonna be tired.

Joel is doing well at school- loves it there. His room is almost empty now, he took his couch last week,lol.

Have a good one,
Lisa

bleep

Lots goin on here. My work schedule is changing- not real happy about it, but it is what it is.

John will be back in the US for a bit, hoping to get to see him before he has to leave again. He is gonna be a little drive from me so I gotta work it out.

Well, I am kinda tired and can't think of anything else to say.

Remember,
Yesterday is a memory.
The future isn't ours to see.
Today is a gift-
thats why they call it the present.

Take care of eachother.
Lisa

mindless drivel

I have been enjoying Monk and Law and Order SVU on dvd from netflix lately.
Josh likes Law and Order as well,so we have been trying to catch a few minutes together to watch it.

Looking forward to my weekend, which is Mon, Tues, and Weds. I usually take Monday to recover from the workweek, sleeping, catching up on laundry and cleaning house, so I can enjoy it the rest of my days off.Tues I hit the grocery store, because the boys have usually cleaned me out,lol.

I think I am going to make an effort to scrapbook this weekend, and finish this roll of film. I have no idea what's even on it. Always a surprise,lol.
Gonna get a haircut too, it's been awhile.

Text messaging. I never thought I would like it. I only started it because I wanted to keep up w/ my teenagers- they love it. It makes me cool-heh. I also have a girlfriend that is a texting queen. Gotta keep up w/ her too. And, then, there's John. We text as often as possible. Pretty amazing how that even works. Not quite as good as IM, but better than email.

Tired. I have a long night ahead of me,lol better get some caffiene.

Still loosing weight, down another size. Feeling good about that. Total of almost 50 lbs since Jan. Woo hoo!Ways to go still- I'd like 30 more, maybe even 40.

Going to Karaoke at a new place tomorrow night. Love to check out new places!

Saw a great quote the other day on Two Peas in a Bucket-
"It takes a great man to be better than no man."
Ain't that the truth.

Had a good week.

Getting back to normal after my trip. We have been having some wild monsoon storms, lots of clean up w/ that going on around my place.

Joel is doing great at the university. I visited him last week for about an hr and he had ten knocks on the door during that time. Guess he is as popular there as he is here at home. He likes his classes and is going to be a lifeguard there at the pool. He is enjoying his "suitemates" and they are all enjoying not having their moms tell them to clean their rooms apperantly.

Josh started online high school, he's doing well, likes it and is showing some responsiblity. He also feels like the big man around the house now, helping me w/ all the stuff that guys "should" do.

I had a nice birthday. Not too many people teasing me about my age now.That's a good thing.

John is doing well, we are doing well. It is pretty easy to get along w/ someone who is half a world away.... we'll see what happens when he comes back.(Just kidding) I actually think it is pretty hard to do this long distance thing. Lots of things get misinterpreted on the phone/or text messages, it is hard not to be able to talk to eachother whenever we want. It is, however, what it is. This is how it has to be, for now. I had so many things to do when he left, I am almost done... now I really miss him. I try to keep my feet on the ground, not get too carried away with daydreaming. That's hard though, too, keeps me going. I just have no idea what he is daydreaming about-gotta keep it real,ya know?

Work is work. I don't suck all the time now,lol. I am feeling a lot better about it, sometimes I even like it. Even though my kids are big, I still feel guilty everytime I have to say "I can't, I have to work." They are the most important thing to me and it tears me up when they can't be my first priority. I know in my mind that I go to work so they can eat, have electricity and go to school, but in my heart I still feel like I should be there. They don't feel that way- and remind me of it all the time.

Lots coming up in my life next week as well. Looking forward to it.

Donuts

I'm at work now, so I am surrounded by people who are eating. As a social eater, I think I should eat every time someone else eats.That is so not good when you work beside people who eat at all different times of the day and night. Been working on that habit.

I have been thinking about a recent comment of Josh's.He thinks we must sit around all day eating donuts w/ the officers. I have only even seen a donut once in the almost 5 months I have been here, and it was brought in by another dispatcher. Maybe we just don't have any donut shops around, or maybe that is just an old wives' tale.

My favorite kind of donut is the maple long john, followed by the boston creme filled. Dang, now I want to stop at the store on the way home for donuts,lol.

Been thinking about turning 40.If you're only as old as you feel, I am about 90. I don't look 40, I don't think, because of my long,clairol perfected hair, and my non-wrinkled but still breaking out like a teenager skin. I have been told that I dress like a 40 year old teacher-eh, thats what I was, ya know? Not such a bad thing. Josh said he's glad I'm not a MILF.I am glad I don't embarrass him, but sometimes I wish I looked differently than I do.

I wish my nose was smaller. I wish I had no strech marks. I wish I weighed less. I wish my feet were smaller. I wish "the girls" were where they were when I was 20.OOPS, that's more than 3 wishes. Actually, I wouldn't really waste any real wishes on physical apperance issues, but if I had some to spare, I guess I would use them for that.

Saw a funny quote the other day-"If drinking and driving is illegal, why are there parking spaces at bars?" Makes me laugh, but seriously- get yourself a designated driver-please.

Lots happening here. Joel has moved out, and has plans to visit for 4 hrs per week,lol. He is exactly like me huh? Kinda scary.

We have had some wicked storms here while I was gone and again the last two days. Out of charachter for AZ.

Sentimental me is thinking towards the 29-31st of Aug. I turn 40, my nephew turns 1 and Joel turns 18. Big days.

Need to get better about scrapping these times, it has been most of 2007 that I really havent even taken many pics. Been busy making a new life, forgeting to enjoy it, I guess.

I am back to working nights- I am all out of whack. I have a lot of trouble sleeping during the day, I did do a little bit better yesterday, only woke up once.

I have been working for most of the last three weeks, finally off for the next 3 days. Looking forward to that. I will hopefully sleep most of today, then I need to restock the fridge/pantry since the boys were home alone for the last 2 weeks. When she went there.... the cupboard was bare.....

Take care all,
Lisa

predijuce

sucks. As a white person, it is atypical for me to experience it personally. Sexism, yeah, I suppose, but I don't really get that bent out of shape about it, since I like bein' a girl. I do however, make an effort, sometimes to my own detriment, not to judge others. I stand up for people who are judged- even when it makes me unpopular.
The past couple of weeks, I have been here at this training. The training is for 911 dispatchers who work on reservations. Not surprising that most dispatchers who work on reservations are Native American. The training was put together by the Indian Police Academy.I am the only white person here. That, in and of itself is not a bad thing. Where it becomes a bad thing is where I am disliked, persecuted and excluded for being white. The instructors have made derogatory comments regarding "the white man". That gives the go-ahead for the other participants to follow in their footsteps.
It has been a long 12 days. Every night I lie my head on the pillow and promise to hold true to my own values regardless of the behavior of my collegues. Tomorrow is the last day of class- I am gonna make it.
I have experienced a lot of things here, and unfortunately this will be the most powerful memory I take home with me.
Lisa

howdy

Im good- survived the flight and am surviving this training. This little town I am in is cute, and thankfully they have my beloved Sonic.
I will post again another time, I have to go and either nap or study, whichever comes first!
Lisa

I know, I know

it has been too long.
Lots going on here. People who truly know me know my silence is a sign of me dealing w/ junk. It's true, but like always I am ok.

So, coming here to report that on Aug 5, I will be beginning a big adventure. I realize this might not be a big adventure to most, so hopefully you have had your caffiene before reading this.

I will be leaving AZ and heading for a business trip. This will require me to board not one, but two airplanes. This is in and of itself, and adventure for me. I have made it almost 40 years w/o my feet off of the ground. First I will be taking a big, normal airplane. Then I have to get off of that big airplane and get onto a little airplane. People are scaring me w/ thier little airplane stories so I ask all of you not to share- please,lol.

Then, after an hr car ride we will be at our destination- Artesia NM. I will be there until the 24, where I then drive an hr to catch the little plane to fly to the big plane. Sounds like lots of opportunities to loose stuff,lol.

There are lots of restrictions, we will be staying in dorms. I kinda feel like I am in high school or something. I have heard this is the best training program out there- so hopefully all of this is worth it.

Additionally, I know you guys know that I do it all around here, and if I am not here- not sure who is going to do it. This will be a good experience for all involved. I can learn to let go ( hopefully)and other people can see what I do,lol.

Joel will be moving into his college dorm while I am gone (sniff sniff) but as a little mini-me, he has offered to come back home to look after the animals/his brother while I am gone. Wow-good kid huh?

So, cross your fingers for me as I go off on this adventure, that I survive the airplanes, that my family and I survive the time apart and that I learn a lot.

My version of Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

I burned my arm on my curling iron this morning. I burned my wrist cooking dinner tonight. Last Tuesday I broke my pinky toe- it is as big as the big toe. Tonight I washed my cell phone by accident.

If you know the childrens story, you will know that this poor child has everything possible happen to him and he thinks moving to Austraila is the answer. I am beginning to think that is a great idea.

I am going to try going to bed early instead since something really bad could happen to me at the airport,lol.

Right after I eat a big ol bowl of chocolate ice cream.

Lisa

nothing witty or profound

I have nothing witty or profound to say today,lol.
Joel and I went to Target today and to his favorite mall. Kinda brought back memories for me about when I was his age and spent hours at the mall. Now, 22 years later I really don't like going ,lol.

I also realized today that at the end of August we will have so many huge milestones! My son, Joel is turning 18, my nephew is turning 1 and I am turning 40- all w/i 2 days of eachother. I guess that is pretty profound,lol. Joel asked me today if I felt like 18 years have flown by... yeah, I do. Honestly. I have years of memories, and photos. There have been occasions when time seemed to stand still- the hours I spent waiting for him to finish baseball practice, time spent trying to teach him how to drive, even the hours and hours ( and hours) that I spent potty training him. I thought he would be checking in to his college dorm in diapers- seriously.
But all in all-time has flown by. Yesterday, it seems, he was too small for the smallest diapers in the store. He was 2 and scared to death of the garbage truck. He wsa 4 and wanted to be a fire engine ( not the fire fighter- the actual truck). Yesterday he started kindergarten. He was scared of oompa loompas and loved sitting in the orange tree all day eating 1/2 of each orange, throwing the rest of them on the ground to see what the goats would do.
Yesterday, he couldn't cross the street by himself, now he can call and make a drs appt, drive himself, go to the pharmacy and drive back home and take his meds as directed. That in itself is a huge deal- lots of grown men can't/don't/won't do that. Guess I didn't do too bad.