About Me

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I was a preschool teacher for almost 20 years. I had lots of wonderful experiences. I have now been a 911 dispatcher for 6 yrs now.I love animals,small towns, good food ,karaoke, baseball and walking around our local zoo. Makes me feel at home,lol. I live and breathe scrapbooking and my two adult sons. They really are what is most important in my life.

Monday, November 19, 2007


So my dorky family has determined that Thanksgiving is just a waste of time. I'm sad about that. Family is it for me, you know? And I was born into this family that just doesn't see things my way. I feel like that one normal chick on the Munsters. I am surrounded by freaks! My sister is going one way, my parents another.
I did convince my kids that it was in their best interest to spend time w/ me that day,lol. Josh wants to have hamburgers for thanksgiving Joel wants ham.LOL I am telling you freaks!
I have to work on Thanksgiving. I'm not upset about it, it is how it is. I get to be off for Christmas though. Looking forward to that, although I might take myself somewhere far far away. I sorta am getting itchy, ready to run. Feeling a little wild, restless.
Did some online shopping. I think the albums I use are getting ready to be discontinued. I panicked and ordered a lifetime supply,lol.
I better get back to scrapbooking......

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

There is no I in team

There are a few things that are not my favorite about my new job, sorta why they call it work, I guess.

But one of the things that I just don't really understand is the lack of teamwork and professionalism. Of course, not everyone is like this, but it is surely the worst place I have worked with regard to these two issues.

We have two shifts, and that in itself is tough. I don't believe we as people are actually designed to work 12 hr shifts,lol. But we all are doing it. We get three glorious days off each week, and that is nice. There is a lot of competition between the shifts. I don't get that- we are all doing the same job- just at different times. Let's be kind to eachtoher and help eachother out. There are comments everyday like " Those people on day shift, blah blah blah" or the reverse about the night shift.

Last I checked everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Everyone has things they are good at, everyone has things they can improve upon. Look for the strengths in others, and look for ways to improve yourself. Please.

I think we waste a lot of energy and peace that we could have for ourselves with things like this.

Friday, October 19, 2007

OK-I warned you

This post will be the longest in the history of the earth.This post will be about miscarriage. It will be about the first time I seriously thought about leaving my kids' dad.

Let me back up to when I first realized I was pregnant. Although I had wanted a third child,my husband did not. We were not trying to get pregnant, I was taking the pill. My husband, of course, blamed me for getting pregnant. That is a good trick,eh?

My husband wanted me to get an abortion. I am pro choice for other people, pro life for myself. I told him no. He said he would leave if I did not.

I could not decide what to do. This is the proverbial rock and hard place. I have two sons who adore their father. I was proud of still being married to my husband, and our family intact.Is it a bigger sin to divorce or to have an abortion?

I started having physical signs of stress. I turned to my best friends and pastor for guidance.One day, while one of my good friends was there ( who happened to be male) listening to me go on and on about this, my husband came home and became furious that he was there at the house.( Never mind that I had 2 kids there, everyone had all of their clothes on- he decided we were having an affair.) He claimed to be coming home to tell me to go ahead and keep the baby but that although he would not leave he was done taking care of the boys and this future child.

In the end, it would not be up to either of us. I started spotting at work. I was a preschool teacher for Head Start at that time, in a school an hr away from my hometown.I called my doctor, he advised me to go home, and come in to his office the first appointment after lunch. I called my husband to tell him. He said "OK" as if it were nothing.

I got my things together, got some help for my assistant teacher and headed for home. I called my husband again to see if he could pick up our 3 year old from preschool.I was feeling ill and the spotting had gotten worse. I was cramping, and very upset. I was worried that I might not be able to pick him up later.He said no. It was out of his way from work and plus since I was coming home there was no reason for him to do so.

I stopped into the preschool for him, called my brother in law to see if he could help watch him while I went to the doctor so I did not have to take a 3 yr old with me.My brother in law was happy to do it. He was only 16 and more help than my husband. Go figure.

I was weak by the time I got home, everything was much worse. I called my husband, who called me a drama queen,but he did call his grandmother over so my brother in law could drive me to the doctor. How big of him,eh?

My husbands' grandma was wonderful. She kept the kids busy, and let me rest. My brother in law and I went off to the doctor.

The doctor got me in right away, and confirmed my worst fears. I was miscarrying this baby that I had fought so hard to keep. I was devastated. My poor brother in law, again, aged 16 did not know what to do. He said some of the nicest words ever to me "I wish I could make it OK". I need to email him and tell him how much those words meant to me, I think I never let him know.

I called my husband. He said he was too busy at work to come home. My brother in law left but my husbands' grandmother stayed.

Some women barely feel anything physically. I had wonderful labors, so you would think this would not really be a big deal, I was only about 9 weeks. Well, I had some really bad cramping and really, could hardly walk/stand.I stayed in bed.

When my husband came home, he told his grandma that she could go. He then came in and told me that if I thought that I was going to lie there all night feeling sorry for myself while he did all of the work I was crazy. I got up to try to make dinner. I was having a difficult time. He told me to get out of there, that I was disgusting.

The boys sat on the bed with me and watched TV. I told them I was "a little sick". They were worried, as they do now when I am sick. I was so so so sad.

A few hours later, I had an urge to go to the restroom, where I miscarried the baby. The doctor had told me that would happen, so I was sort of prepared. I was supposed to save it, blah blah blah, so they could see what happened.I asked my husband to help. He said he would be there when there was a commercial.I handled it.

I asked him, if at a commercial he could put the kids to bed. He did but complained, and refused to read them the stories that they were used to. I got up and read them their stories.

He came to bed about an hour later and told me he did not know why I was so sad since this whole entire thing was my fault anyway. I cried myself to sleep.

I got counseling after that. I was so sad. I was sad about the baby, I was sad about my marriage.

I had lots of support from work, from my coworkers to parents of kids in my class. They had told my class that I had "lost my baby" and that when I came back to work I might be a little sad about it.

My first day back to work was hard. I had a long commute, lots of time for thinking. I used to sing in the car,now I don't think I will ever sing again. Maybe I will never smile. Everyone in the room was watching me. Trying hard to make sure that it would be as easy as possible. No one knew what to say, if they should say anything or not. Adults can have a tough time with this,being afraid of saying the wrong thing. One of the kids in my class came to me, held my hand and said "Teacherlisa, next time, hold your baby really really close so you don't loose it". Her mother was mortified. She went to pull her away, I pulled her close to me. Those were some beautiful, thoughtful words. This special child, only 4 years old,had the courage to say something, from her heart. She cared so much for me. I will never forget her. She is an example for all of us- say what is in your heart.

That was 13 years ago, and all of us are fine.


Sunday, October 14, 2007


I was reading some comments before and came across one that said "Who would have thought that things would have changed that much" Well, not me.

I knew things needed to change, and I knew they were going to( as change is inevitable, plus I was making some changes).

As I had mentioned before I was really at a low point in my life at this time last year. I was facing some tough choices, and some tough stuff was being thrown at me.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so they say, but I sure didn't feel it. How could I go on, how could I continue to fight? I had no energy to deal with the things I HAD to deal with. I did not see any way to the other side.

I am so devoted to my kids, so I plugged away at it. Survived. Did what I absolutely had to do each day. Nothing else. Had to get a job, a new place to live. Blah blah blah. I am a big proponent of "fake it till you make it". And, I did.

I didn't think I would be happy.I thought I would always be in survival mode. I thought Joel moving out would put me back however many steps I had moved forward. I thought I could never like any other home other than the house I had in Maricopa.I thought I would always be driving that car that was barely moving down the road.And of course, my heart was closed forever.

That was only 11 months ago, and it seems like a lifetime. I don't even recognize that time in my life.

I am happy. More now than ever. I am living, not surviving. I miss Joel ( ok, sometimes I miss him, sometimes I enjoy the quiet). My house now is fine, and as crazy as it sounds I could actually see myself moving to a totally different place than the place I have always known. I am driving a car that works, and doesn't cause me stress every time I turn over the key.

And, as the saying goes, you find love when you are not looking for it. It really didn't matter that I had decided to go it alone. Work, make new friends, finish raising my kids, get hobbies. I had decided I was just too different from most people to actually find someone that I would be happy to be with, and that would be happy to be with me. I am overjoyed to say that I have found that. Well, he found me.

If ever I am at another point in my life I hope to remember the "Everything happens for a reason" schpiel and all that.

Ok- that is about as much sappiness as I can stand, so the next few posts are going to be about some rough times from my 20's. They will seem vastly different from these posts. They were from another low point, and I think it is good to reflect on those as well. I do NOT feel sorry for myself- so you don't either. But don't read them if you will be disturbed about stories of abuse, violence or miscarriage.( I know I have some softhearted friends out there,lol) I am fine, they were two lifetimes ago.......

Friday, October 12, 2007

sleep work sleep

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

I did nothing exciting because all I did was sleep work sleep. It's the story of my life really.

Josh and I did spend some time together, watching Law and Order SVU. We are on season 2 now.

I don't think Joel has been home in 3 weeks now. I have been to see him, I go once a week on my way to Karaoke,lol.

He is all about putting the past behind him, skipping this weeks High School Homecoming Football Game to attend his Frat party.This was the kid that planned to not miss any games. He is even taking his laundry to my mom's. I am a little misty over that one,lol. Proud, but missing him.

Take care,

Sunday, October 07, 2007

hey there

Feeling blessed today.

Lots of exciting things going on next week, for me. All of us at work are going to some additional training, on giving pre arrival medical instructions to callers in need of EMS services. Even though it means working on one of my days off for the training, and another of my days off to allow the others to go to training, I am excited about it.Love learning new stuff.

I need to go shopping for some new clothes,especially pants.I have lost a little more weight,and it is very very cold in my office at work. Like you don't need to put your lunch in the fridge cold. Like I bring gloves cold. Brrrrrr.I think I am going to have to switch from my Chocolate Diet Coke to some kind of hot coffee drink.

I found this wonderful new bread,made by Sara Lee. It is called thick sliced or something like that. I can only find it at Walmart but I love love love it. It is just the best and I have been eating more sandwiches and toast than I should,lol.

I am hoping to get to the Tucson Zoo in the next couple weeks,they have polar bears there,and I love them,lol. OK so gotta run, getting busy here...

Thursday, September 27, 2007

hey hey hey

I went to visit John last week, so sweet but so short.

My work schedule is not changing- whew. I don't love working nights, but I hate change even more,lol. It also really doesn't matter when you work 12 hr shifts, because you are either working, driving to and from work or sleeping. Doesn't really matter what order you do it in, ya know? Work has been tough lately, several shootings and a young child dying under suspicious circumstances. Rough stuff,ya know?

For the past 2 weeks on my days off I have been taking a class for work. It's done now, passed my test, blah blah blah. Two more weeks starting another class, that will go 3 weeks on my days off. OT is great but whew- I am gonna be tired.

Joel is doing well at school- loves it there. His room is almost empty now, he took his couch last week,lol.

Have a good one,

Saturday, September 15, 2007


Lots goin on here. My work schedule is changing- not real happy about it, but it is what it is.

John will be back in the US for a bit, hoping to get to see him before he has to leave again. He is gonna be a little drive from me so I gotta work it out.

Well, I am kinda tired and can't think of anything else to say.

Yesterday is a memory.
The future isn't ours to see.
Today is a gift-
thats why they call it the present.

Take care of eachother.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

mindless drivel

I have been enjoying Monk and Law and Order SVU on dvd from netflix lately.
Josh likes Law and Order as well,so we have been trying to catch a few minutes together to watch it.

Looking forward to my weekend, which is Mon, Tues, and Weds. I usually take Monday to recover from the workweek, sleeping, catching up on laundry and cleaning house, so I can enjoy it the rest of my days off.Tues I hit the grocery store, because the boys have usually cleaned me out,lol.

I think I am going to make an effort to scrapbook this weekend, and finish this roll of film. I have no idea what's even on it. Always a surprise,lol.
Gonna get a haircut too, it's been awhile.

Text messaging. I never thought I would like it. I only started it because I wanted to keep up w/ my teenagers- they love it. It makes me cool-heh. I also have a girlfriend that is a texting queen. Gotta keep up w/ her too. And, then, there's John. We text as often as possible. Pretty amazing how that even works. Not quite as good as IM, but better than email.

Tired. I have a long night ahead of me,lol better get some caffiene.

Still loosing weight, down another size. Feeling good about that. Total of almost 50 lbs since Jan. Woo hoo!Ways to go still- I'd like 30 more, maybe even 40.

Going to Karaoke at a new place tomorrow night. Love to check out new places!

Saw a great quote the other day on Two Peas in a Bucket-
"It takes a great man to be better than no man."
Ain't that the truth.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Had a good week.

Getting back to normal after my trip. We have been having some wild monsoon storms, lots of clean up w/ that going on around my place.

Joel is doing great at the university. I visited him last week for about an hr and he had ten knocks on the door during that time. Guess he is as popular there as he is here at home. He likes his classes and is going to be a lifeguard there at the pool. He is enjoying his "suitemates" and they are all enjoying not having their moms tell them to clean their rooms apperantly.

Josh started online high school, he's doing well, likes it and is showing some responsiblity. He also feels like the big man around the house now, helping me w/ all the stuff that guys "should" do.

I had a nice birthday. Not too many people teasing me about my age now.That's a good thing.

John is doing well, we are doing well. It is pretty easy to get along w/ someone who is half a world away.... we'll see what happens when he comes back.(Just kidding) I actually think it is pretty hard to do this long distance thing. Lots of things get misinterpreted on the phone/or text messages, it is hard not to be able to talk to eachother whenever we want. It is, however, what it is. This is how it has to be, for now. I had so many things to do when he left, I am almost done... now I really miss him. I try to keep my feet on the ground, not get too carried away with daydreaming. That's hard though, too, keeps me going. I just have no idea what he is daydreaming about-gotta keep it real,ya know?

Work is work. I don't suck all the time now,lol. I am feeling a lot better about it, sometimes I even like it. Even though my kids are big, I still feel guilty everytime I have to say "I can't, I have to work." They are the most important thing to me and it tears me up when they can't be my first priority. I know in my mind that I go to work so they can eat, have electricity and go to school, but in my heart I still feel like I should be there. They don't feel that way- and remind me of it all the time.

Lots coming up in my life next week as well. Looking forward to it.

Sunday, August 26, 2007


I'm at work now, so I am surrounded by people who are eating. As a social eater, I think I should eat every time someone else eats.That is so not good when you work beside people who eat at all different times of the day and night. Been working on that habit.

I have been thinking about a recent comment of Josh's.He thinks we must sit around all day eating donuts w/ the officers. I have only even seen a donut once in the almost 5 months I have been here, and it was brought in by another dispatcher. Maybe we just don't have any donut shops around, or maybe that is just an old wives' tale.

My favorite kind of donut is the maple long john, followed by the boston creme filled. Dang, now I want to stop at the store on the way home for donuts,lol.

Been thinking about turning 40.If you're only as old as you feel, I am about 90. I don't look 40, I don't think, because of my long,clairol perfected hair, and my non-wrinkled but still breaking out like a teenager skin. I have been told that I dress like a 40 year old teacher-eh, thats what I was, ya know? Not such a bad thing. Josh said he's glad I'm not a MILF.I am glad I don't embarrass him, but sometimes I wish I looked differently than I do.

I wish my nose was smaller. I wish I had no strech marks. I wish I weighed less. I wish my feet were smaller. I wish "the girls" were where they were when I was 20.OOPS, that's more than 3 wishes. Actually, I wouldn't really waste any real wishes on physical apperance issues, but if I had some to spare, I guess I would use them for that.

Saw a funny quote the other day-"If drinking and driving is illegal, why are there parking spaces at bars?" Makes me laugh, but seriously- get yourself a designated driver-please.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Lots happening here. Joel has moved out, and has plans to visit for 4 hrs per week,lol. He is exactly like me huh? Kinda scary.

We have had some wicked storms here while I was gone and again the last two days. Out of charachter for AZ.

Sentimental me is thinking towards the 29-31st of Aug. I turn 40, my nephew turns 1 and Joel turns 18. Big days.

Need to get better about scrapping these times, it has been most of 2007 that I really havent even taken many pics. Been busy making a new life, forgeting to enjoy it, I guess.

I am back to working nights- I am all out of whack. I have a lot of trouble sleeping during the day, I did do a little bit better yesterday, only woke up once.

I have been working for most of the last three weeks, finally off for the next 3 days. Looking forward to that. I will hopefully sleep most of today, then I need to restock the fridge/pantry since the boys were home alone for the last 2 weeks. When she went there.... the cupboard was bare.....

Take care all,

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


sucks. As a white person, it is atypical for me to experience it personally. Sexism, yeah, I suppose, but I don't really get that bent out of shape about it, since I like bein' a girl. I do however, make an effort, sometimes to my own detriment, not to judge others. I stand up for people who are judged- even when it makes me unpopular.
The past couple of weeks, I have been here at this training. The training is for 911 dispatchers who work on reservations. Not surprising that most dispatchers who work on reservations are Native American. The training was put together by the Indian Police Academy.I am the only white person here. That, in and of itself is not a bad thing. Where it becomes a bad thing is where I am disliked, persecuted and excluded for being white. The instructors have made derogatory comments regarding "the white man". That gives the go-ahead for the other participants to follow in their footsteps.
It has been a long 12 days. Every night I lie my head on the pillow and promise to hold true to my own values regardless of the behavior of my collegues. Tomorrow is the last day of class- I am gonna make it.
I have experienced a lot of things here, and unfortunately this will be the most powerful memory I take home with me.

Sunday, August 12, 2007


Im good- survived the flight and am surviving this training. This little town I am in is cute, and thankfully they have my beloved Sonic.
I will post again another time, I have to go and either nap or study, whichever comes first!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

I know, I know

it has been too long.
Lots going on here. People who truly know me know my silence is a sign of me dealing w/ junk. It's true, but like always I am ok.

So, coming here to report that on Aug 5, I will be beginning a big adventure. I realize this might not be a big adventure to most, so hopefully you have had your caffiene before reading this.

I will be leaving AZ and heading for a business trip. This will require me to board not one, but two airplanes. This is in and of itself, and adventure for me. I have made it almost 40 years w/o my feet off of the ground. First I will be taking a big, normal airplane. Then I have to get off of that big airplane and get onto a little airplane. People are scaring me w/ thier little airplane stories so I ask all of you not to share- please,lol.

Then, after an hr car ride we will be at our destination- Artesia NM. I will be there until the 24, where I then drive an hr to catch the little plane to fly to the big plane. Sounds like lots of opportunities to loose stuff,lol.

There are lots of restrictions, we will be staying in dorms. I kinda feel like I am in high school or something. I have heard this is the best training program out there- so hopefully all of this is worth it.

Additionally, I know you guys know that I do it all around here, and if I am not here- not sure who is going to do it. This will be a good experience for all involved. I can learn to let go ( hopefully)and other people can see what I do,lol.

Joel will be moving into his college dorm while I am gone (sniff sniff) but as a little mini-me, he has offered to come back home to look after the animals/his brother while I am gone. Wow-good kid huh?

So, cross your fingers for me as I go off on this adventure, that I survive the airplanes, that my family and I survive the time apart and that I learn a lot.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

My version of Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

I burned my arm on my curling iron this morning. I burned my wrist cooking dinner tonight. Last Tuesday I broke my pinky toe- it is as big as the big toe. Tonight I washed my cell phone by accident.

If you know the childrens story, you will know that this poor child has everything possible happen to him and he thinks moving to Austraila is the answer. I am beginning to think that is a great idea.

I am going to try going to bed early instead since something really bad could happen to me at the airport,lol.

Right after I eat a big ol bowl of chocolate ice cream.


Monday, July 02, 2007

nothing witty or profound

I have nothing witty or profound to say today,lol.
Joel and I went to Target today and to his favorite mall. Kinda brought back memories for me about when I was his age and spent hours at the mall. Now, 22 years later I really don't like going ,lol.

I also realized today that at the end of August we will have so many huge milestones! My son, Joel is turning 18, my nephew is turning 1 and I am turning 40- all w/i 2 days of eachother. I guess that is pretty profound,lol. Joel asked me today if I felt like 18 years have flown by... yeah, I do. Honestly. I have years of memories, and photos. There have been occasions when time seemed to stand still- the hours I spent waiting for him to finish baseball practice, time spent trying to teach him how to drive, even the hours and hours ( and hours) that I spent potty training him. I thought he would be checking in to his college dorm in diapers- seriously.
But all in all-time has flown by. Yesterday, it seems, he was too small for the smallest diapers in the store. He was 2 and scared to death of the garbage truck. He wsa 4 and wanted to be a fire engine ( not the fire fighter- the actual truck). Yesterday he started kindergarten. He was scared of oompa loompas and loved sitting in the orange tree all day eating 1/2 of each orange, throwing the rest of them on the ground to see what the goats would do.
Yesterday, he couldn't cross the street by himself, now he can call and make a drs appt, drive himself, go to the pharmacy and drive back home and take his meds as directed. That in itself is a huge deal- lots of grown men can't/don't/won't do that. Guess I didn't do too bad.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


There are a lot of things that are just a matter of perception.

A friend said to me last night that she thought I was always happy and content w/ my life.I was totally surprised to hear that, because the last couple of years have been really rough for me. I have been pretty happy the last few months, but it has been an uphill struggle to say the least.

One thing I do work hard at is counting my blessings. Every night, my kids are home, in their beds and healthy. They are smart, well adjusted, independant thinkers and respectful. I am not in a hospital w/ one of them fighting for their lives, they are not missing. Every day we eat good food. We have a place to live, a vehicle to drive and electricity and running water. Each of us has a hobby that we enjoy. We love and care about eachother.

Another reason that I believe I am a basically happy person is that I have the right perspective about money. ( Not everyone agrees w/ me,lol particularly my ex) There are people who are very wealthy, who will never be happy- their perception of the importance of money is, in my opinion, skewed. They place a greater value on money than truly exists. Then, there are people who do not have enough money, who are also never going to be happy, again, because they place too high a value on money. They wish for things that they can not afford, and in reality do not need. People on both ends of the spectrum just need to count their blessings more.

All of that said- if I allow myself, I can be a very sad and/or angry woman. I have had a pretty tough life( who hasn't). My father was an alcoholic.I married a physically abusive man, and stayed for almost 12 years. I then married an alcoholic. I have raised two boys almost exclusively by myself. I have had financial problems most of my adult life. I have a child w/ a chronic medical problem and behavorial health problems. I, myself, have a chronic degenerative medical condition, and something somewhere hurts every day. So, I have made a choice NOT to allow myself to allow any of these things to rob me a minute of peace in my today, or in my future. Some of these things that happened were my own choices. Some were cards I was dealt. None of them need to be a part of my today.Today, I can be thankful for my blessings and the strength I have been blessed w/ from my past.

That said, just like everyone else I have bad days. Today, happens to be one of them. I feel like crap. There is someone in my life who I miss terribly- I actually feel an ache in my heart. Several stressful things happened this afternoon.I did not want to deal w/ them, I wanted to lie down on the couch w/ a magazine. I wanted a nap. I wanted to see this special person that I miss so much. Then, because I am a nut, I start feeling guilty for being upset. After all, there are people w/ real problems. What I had going on today would be a great day for some.So, I am feeling down, and feeling guilty as if I have no right.That really can mess w/ a girl,lol.

I am no superhuman that has no bad days. I am not cold to emotion- I feel heartache like anyone else. I am not a perfect woman only having perfect days.

Everything is just a matter of perception.Instead of being upset that I don't feel good, I need to be thankful that I can walk. Instead of feeling that ache, I need to remember why I feel it- I am in love! As for the stressful things that happened, it is because I have a home to live in, beautiful children to care for and a job. All of those things are blessings!

Getting off of my soapbox now.....

Monday, June 18, 2007

went to the dr. today

I told my boys I had a dr appt. today. Usually I get the whole why are you being a baby and going to the dr thing, but today they seemed concerned. I did not feel well yesterday- not sick like go to the dr sick , just didn't feel good.

Anyway, this was not that kind of appt- it was every woman's favorite appt. I told the guys not to worry that I was fine. They kept pressing the issue so I finally had to tell them.

Joel said "EWWWW" lol. I said, my thoughts exactly.

Anyway, I love my doc, and it went fine. Everything is good.

I have dropped some more weight- so that's good too!

Tomorrow I am going to get up, and go have a manicure and then I am going to come home and scrapbook all day. I am sooo looking forward to that.

I have a whole list of phone calls that are the kind where you wait on hold forfreakingever tomorrow, so I figure I will scrap and hold the phone to one ear. Hows that for multi tasking,lol.

Anyway- take care everyone!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

so close.... yet so far

So my divorce will be final Aug 17. I think that sounds far away- everyone else says it seems so quick. Guess it is all a matter of perspective, plus- I tend to be on the impatient side.

Anyway,good things are happening to me these days still. I am madly, over the top in love, my job is going well, my kids are doing well. Time for me to hit the hay- only plesant dreams here!

Sunday, June 10, 2007

It's a great day to be alive.........

ahh one of my favorite songs.

Anyway, I figured it was just as good as any for a title.

10 reasons it is great to be alive for me today:

1. The three of us are healthy, we have good food to eat today and a roof over our heads. Who needs more than that?

2.My dog just came over and licked my cheek. Awwww..........

3.I have a Monk DVD from Netflix to watch today.

4.I went to the grocery store on my way home from work today and bought food that we can eat that does not involve me having to cook it for breakfast lunch and dinner. Woo Hoo!

5.I am happy about where my life is going and for the first time in a very long time I am looking forward to the future!

6.I have some good girlfriends. Really good. Love that.

7.My dad is coming over tomorrow to do the man stuff that needs to be done around here.

8.Tonight is Karaoke night for me!( I know, I'm a goofball)

9. I found some new tea- strawberry- yum, can't wait till it's done.

10. All 3 of us have the day off of work! Hope I can convince these teenagers to spend some time w/ their boring old mom.

I hope it is a great day to be alive for you..... if it's not- consider the alternative!


Tuesday, June 05, 2007

my deep thought for the day.....

On at least 2 occasions yessterday I noticed how very little my family thinks I can handle when I am a single woman.

Reflecting on this, it happened last time too, either I did not notice it at the time or I had long since forgotten.

My vacuum sucks ( or it actually doesn't as the case may be) and I mentioned to Joel that I was going to look for a new one. Joel thinks I should wait until he can go w/ me, because at 17 he knows more about them since he is a boy.

I decided that I might go and tan one or two times, since I am working nights and never hardly see the light of day. Both my boys acted like I have no functioning brain cells.

My parents do the same type of thing.

I can honestly say that I like to be married. I am a good wife. I have not been so good about picking the right person to be married to, but thats another story. However, I am perfectly capable ( probably even more so when I don't have someone to count on) of handling my life. I have raised these boys almost alone. I make decisions every day. I have never been arrested, I have never been in a car accident that was my fault. I have never fallen victim to a nigerian email scam. I can handle choosing a vacuum, weighing the risks of tanning, calling for a tow truck and the other issues that face americans today.

Today I have decided to realize that this comes from concern and love for me, and not really a lack of faith. Hopefully I rememember that next time it happens....

Monday, June 04, 2007

Paperwork filed.Nuff said on that,lol.

Busy day tomorrow again, but thats good.

I went to the library today, for the first time in ages. I got a few good books on a few topis I am interested in these days. I am a non fiction reader.I hardly ever read any fiction although as a teenager I loved to read trashy romance novels.

Now I am looking for a book of sheet music online. I had one, it is the best ever, and now since I moved I can not find it anywhere. Of course it is prolly out of print,lol. I think I will check ebay.

Work is going pretty good, I love my new truck, and life in general is going pretty good.

I am going to attempt a better entry tomorrow- this one blows but I am tired,lol.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

the long arm of the law............

Yesterday I got some bad news about a kiddo that I really care about quite a bit. One of Josh's friends, that practically lived w/ me for a couple of years has gotten himself into some more trouble. He's safe, in detention, and will be heading to rehab right after. 15 years young. Into some really heavy stuff.Weapons, hard drugs. I guess it was a blessing he was caught before someone really got hurt.

I picked up my divorce packet on Tuesday. I'm ready to wrap up that part of my old life and move on to chapter whatever this is now,lol. You would think w/ all the practice husbands I have I would be better at figuring out how to fill these papers out, but I keep having to ask questions,lol. Good thing we don't have anything hard like kids or property. Ahh well, hopefully I never need it again.

I am happy. I feel good. My life is going pretty good right now.

Guess thats it..

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Summer is here!

The city pool opens this weekend and that means my guys are at work. Joel is a lifeguard this summer again, and Josh is the Head Cashier. They are both glad to be there.

Things are going really well at work, I like the work at night a lot. I feel like I almost know what I am doing now,lol so that is another good thing.

I am enjoying my new car. It really is just too stinking cute.

I think I am going to spend tomorrow afternoon doing fun stuff. Exactly what that means I am not sure, but I know I need to do something fun.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

today is a big day

My oldest son is graduating high school today. He is graduating w/ honors, and of course, we are all very proud of him. He has big plans, that kid does,lol.It really does seem like yesterday that he was 4 lbs, fitting in my hand and not able to lift his head or sleep longer than 2 hrs. Now he can do really hard math, save people's lives and decide what kind of life he wants to have. He is everyone's friend and almost always knows the right thing to do. He really is an incredible person and I would want to know him even if he didn't belong to me.

For the inquiring minds, John and I are still together. Things are really, really good.

I am tired, I worked last night, so I am heading out!

Monday, May 21, 2007

I really really hate thinking of stupid titles.....

So today I got my new car. I really don't enjoy car shopping,and when everyone was telling me to have fun picking out my new car, I wondered if I am the only one who hates shopping for a car. This was a little easier since I did not have some stupid man trying to tell me what I wanted (other than the car salesman). Actually the car salesman was alright this time- everything worked out pretty well. I am happy w/ what I got, and the boys even like it. I was not there the entire flippin day, like usual, just 3 or 4 hrs. Since I am already getting a divorce, car shopping is not going to cause me to want to divorce anyone,lol.
I wanted a little SUV ( OK- I wanted a tahoe, but yaknow, that just isn't practical for me) so that is what I was looking for. My two main criteria is that it had to not be a car and it had to have good cupholders. My last car did not have any cup holders and let me tell you that is a huge pain in the ass.My new ride has 4, count 'em 4 cup holders. Sweeeeet. The kids were impressed w/ the stereo, and the fact that they fit in the back seat,lol. I can't wait for tomorrow so I can have somewhere to go,lol.
I will try to take a pic tomorrow so I can show it to all of you,lol.
Take care,

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

real quick update

since I was a bad blogger and did not update this while I was off of work,lol...
I got a call from the insurance company and they are ready to settle the property part of the claim. I am going to get enough money out of it to put a down pmt on another car. That's cool- I just have to choose a car and coordinate getting my other car picked up and turned over to said ins company..
Cross your fingers for me.....................
Take care!

Monday, May 07, 2007

switching from normal to abnormal

not sure if my friends would agree that I used to be normal, but for sure, now I am not. I have started working 6pm to 6 am. That is just not normal.I have so many sleep issues, and trying to sleep during the day is one of them. Eventually I will just drop dead from exaustion I think.

I do enjoy working at night, it is a whole different ball game than during the day.All the young gals work at night. ( except me of course,lol- they were making fun of me!)My friend Kristie told everyone that I was born in 1940. Thanks girl.....

Someone I know asked me the other day what do I really want out of life. I am at a crossroads in my life- free to chose whatever it is that I want.Had I been asked that question in January, I would have had a totally different answer than I do now that it is May.

I have to say that I believe that happiness is internal, not external. So I can't look for someone or something to make me happy. I just have to be. That is not to say that I need to put negative things in my life, as a challenge,lol.

I also believe there is more than one path to that happiness. I could teach, and be happy. I could be a dispatcher, and be happy. I could be happy in AZ. I could be happy somewhere else. I could stay single and be happy. I could get married again and be happy.

When I say that my answer is different now than it was in January, I had decided after two marriages, and a miserable dating situation, that I was just going to raise my sons, learn my new job and live my life. It was obvious to me that I was not going to find someone right for me, and it was time to just be happy on my own. Then, in February, there I was minding my own business and wham-o.

Now I do want to be w/ someone again. I want to take care of someone and have someone take care of me. I want to love and be loved. I want to make him the happiest man on the planet and I want to be the happiest woman. I want to wake up and see him next to me. I will quit before I gross all of you guys out,lol.

I will close w/ a story of a woman who taught me so much, and I was supposed to be her child's teacher. She had 4 boys, all under the age of 6. Her man was a big looser, and left her w/ the kids and took off w/ someone else. She was living in govt housing, on welfare, food stamps etc. Her apartment was tiny- you could barely walk in there. At the time, I had 3 bathrooms in my house, and could not imagine 5 people trying to share one. She did not have a car. Her dinner table wobbled and none of her chairs matched. One time I was there and the light above her table had burned out and she mentioned waiting until the beginning of the month to get another light bulb.

She was the happiest person that I had ever met. She loved each one of her boys with all of her heart. She worked hard to raise them individually, not just in survival mode, if you know what I mean. Her apt was clean, she took a lot of pride in it, and always made a snack or some coffee or something when I did my home visits. She always had a special story about something cute one of the boys did. I never once heard her complain about her situation,her ex husband, or any of the choices that she made that lead her to that situation. I will never forget her, and as I have had challenges in my life, I always am reminded of her, and how she was honestly happy and at peace. Her joy came from raising her children.


Sunday, May 06, 2007


snakes-I like snakes. I had a Ball Python for a long time. I even like rattlesnakes. They are important to our environment, and people should respect them.

sarcasm-My sense of humor. I love sarcasm.

sage-I love to grow sage, it is a beautiful plant.

salad-I am into salads now.

salt-I love salty stuff, my fave is cheddar sour cream ruffles

sugar- love sugar too, especially chocolate.

scent- I like vanilla scented stuff.

secrets- I am not the best at keeping secrets. I am not a very private person, so it is hard for me to keep a secret unless someone specifically asks me to.

smile- I have been smiling a lot more lately.

should-I get hung up on what I should be doing. I have a huge sense of responsibility to other people and it gets in my way sometimes.

sports- I love to watch my kids play sports.

strawberries- are yummy.Especially w/ sugar and cream.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

t is for...

table- I use my parents first dining room table. They wanted something new, after my sister and I moved out. I could not imagine getting rid of something so sentimental. So my sons and I eat there, but no one sits on the chair w/ the seat that was scratched by my booster chair.

tangelos- way better than oranges.

tape recorder- I wonder if my grandkids will even know what that is.

tarantula- Josh had one as a pet for about a year.

teachers- there are good ones, and not so good ones.

television- I could prolly do w/o it, but my kids like to have a billion channels so they can watch the same shows on the same old channels. Guess it is a comfort thing. I do like court tv, lifetime and cmt.

Tennessee- I have always wanted to go there. I have a good friend who lives there. Hi Kristiegk!

tetherball- When Joel was in kindergarten and 1st grade, he played tetherball so much that his hand bled. It was an obsession to him.

Texas- My good friend Vivian lives in Texas.

thankful- I try to count my blessings.

thigh-my favorite piece of chicken.

thirties- I am almost done w/ my thirties,lol.

tiger- Someone told me once that you can't cage a tiger. What if he walks into the cage by himself??

tinker- my dad's life work

traditions- I love traditions.

traffic- hate it, that was a big reason I moved out of PHX.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

u is for........

ultimate-The ultimate drink place is Sonic. The ultimate dog is the Chow Chow. The ultimate profession is teacher ( for w/o teachers there would be no other professions). The ultimate job is being a parent, since you are your child's first and most important teacher. The ultimate candy bar is the Hersheys Special Dark. The ulitmate pizza toppings are ham and pineapple.

uncertainty-These are uncertain times we live in. The longer I live the more uncertainty I feel. Of course 20 years ago- I knew everything. The only thing that is certain is that things change and people adapt. Good thing I might have finally figured that out.

uniform-I believe in non conformity. I believe that each of us has to walk our own path. I believe that a toddlers temper tantrum is one of the most important parts of a person's development. I do not believe that anyone, particulary school children should be required to wear a uniform. I personally follow rules and laws w/ almost an anal psychosis, but secretly cheer on those who push that envelope. ( I am obviously not talking about people who commit crimes and hurt other people)

It is unlikely that I will ever-
drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, do drugs, or take narcotic prescription painkillers.
like raw onions
want to stop scrapbooking
totally understand my exes
want to give up caffiene
want to give up chocolate
be a size 7 again
change my opinions about some of my key beliefs
like the music my youngest son likes

uplift-I saw this quote the other day- " Nothing is worth more than the human soul".I am trying to remember that as I try not to let little things that don't really matter irritate me. Is Josh's soul more important than him having a clean room. Of course. Is Joel's belief that the world is a big and rosy place just waiting him to make his mark more important than giving him a dose of my reality? Of course. Is the extra couple of minutes it takes to help someone out worth any incovenience to me? Of course. So, let's try to uplift eachother not tear eachother down. Everyone is having a hard time- let's play nice.

Monday, April 30, 2007

V is for.............

vacuum- I dislike vacuuming. It hurts my wrists, plus I just hate it. Joel is our resident vacuumer. He is planning on bringing his laundry home from college next year for me to do,and he can vacuum for me. Good deal.

value- I value my family. I value my health. I value my peace. I value my intelligence.I value the time that I have left w/ my sons in this house.I value my photographs, videos and other memories.I value children. I value the new relationship and friendships I am developing.

vanilla- I love the smell of vanilla. I get all my smell good stuff in Bath and Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar Scent.I only use real vanilla in baking. I use vanilla candles. And, last but not least, my life is "vanilla" and I like it that way.

Velveeta- I love this totally bad for you stuff. I know it is not a real food, and I just don't care. Yum yum yum!

view- I love the view from my kitchen window. It looks out on the Sawtooth Mountains, and I can see my birdfeeder and birdbath from there.

violence- I was a victim of domestic violence for 10 years. I stayed because I thought it was best for my children to live w/ both of their parents.I thought that I could work it out, after all my parents did not always agree and they have been married for 40 years. For most of that 10 years I was not really really afraid. I did not like it, I knew it was wrong but I did not live in fear every second. Towards the end of the relationship I was in fear. He said if I left he would kill me and I believed him.If you are reading this and you are a victim, take steps to leave so that you can be safe. It does not get better. You are stronger than you know and there are people to help you. He just does not want you to know that.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

w is for...

whackadoodle- one of my favorite words, for anyone who is not rational, or if you do something dorky.

waffle- I prefer thin crispy waffles to those poofy belgin waffles.. and only Mrs. Butterworths syrup please.

waist- I have lost 35 lbs now... I almost have one.

The Waltons- I wanted to be Olivia, and have that big ol family. And that cool old truck.

waste- I try not to be wasteful, and to live light on this earth.

watch- I used to have this cool Taz watch. Now I just carry my phone and don't need to wear it anymore.

water- please please drink enough water. Your body will thank you for it.

weed- come on people- aren't we stupid enough??

white westhighland terriers- these cool little doggies that my parents and sister love. They have 5 between them and it is a hoot when they all get together.

west- southwest, to be exact... the only home I know.

wind- don't like it,I get scared if it is really windy.

wings- honey hot wings from Native New Yorker.... heaven on earth

wrong- I don't know as much as I did 20 years ago. I am wrong often now. I don't even care if I am wrong anymore. And, I think thats cool.

Well- I am done now...

Friday, April 27, 2007

x is for

x-ray- I have had lots of x-rays throughout my life. As a a pre-teen/teenager I had scoliosis so I had to have the curvature of my spine x-rayed on a regular basis. I sprained both my ankles in my lifetime and have had those x-rayed as well. Last time I went to the doctor I had just about every joint x-rayed. That was fun...

xylophone- I got to play the xylophone one week in marching band after I had had some oral surgery and was not able to play my piccolo. I love the way they sound.

X-rated- K, here are my thoughts on porn- ( not that you asked, mind you but there sure are not many words that start w/ X).I am personally neither offended nor turned on by porn. I do not believe it degrades women, I actually believe it degrades the men who look at it. I do not care if anyone else likes it, as long as everyone who is involved is an adult. I would not be upset if my man enjoyed porn, as long as he enjoyed me just a little bit more.

Monday, April 23, 2007

y is for-

yard sales- I used to love them, now I have way too much of my own crap to need to shop for someone elses,lol.
yogurt- I love yoplait vanilla yogurt. Nothing else will do.
yellow- I really like yellow flowers, particularly daffodils.
yes- I look for ways to tell my children yes. That way when I have to tell them no they know it is for a good reason.
yellow pages- I knew I was going to like my small town when I saw the phone book was only 8x10 and maybe an inch and a half thick. I moved from Phoenix where we had 3 really big ol heavy phone books.
yeah- I know it is bad grammar to use, but I say yeah all of the time.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

z is for-

I was reading back through some old entries the other day and I realized I stopped doing the alpha thing. I of course can't remember where I left off so I figure I will start at the end and go backwards. That is usually how I operate anyway- going about something from the wrong side,lol.
anyway- z is for-
zoloft- I have several family members who take it and all I can say is I thank God for zoloft- what a difference it has made in their lives ( and mine)

zoo-I love going to the zoo.I used to take my boys there all of the time when they were small. One time, Joel was 19 months, Josh was newborn and their dad and I took them to the zoo. I was exhausted- and Joel was SO excited to be there. He loved every animal- did not want to miss a thing. He was resisting being in the stroller,and he always hated to hold my hand. I was almost in tears after being there for an hour or so. We walk up to the tiger exhibit, and there is a sweet little girl there, sitting nicely in her stroller. I was thinking to myself- why didn't I get one of those,lol. Her mom was watching Joel squeal and try to climb out of the stoller. I was trying to nurse Josh, and as usual their dad was somewhere w/ his head up you know where. I was telling Joel to be careful. I thought he was gonna flip the stoller over or take off on me. Her mom says to me "Man, I wish my daughter was that excited about the animals- she doesn't even seem to care that we are here". Isn't that funny- two people each wanting what they don't have.Joel has always been intense. Wonder where he gets it from. I did not realize it then, but I am definately not a girls mom. I would not be cut out for that!

zodiac- I love to read it for fun, and I am a typical Virgo, but I don't actually believe in astrology.

Zero- number of daughters I have, number of alcoholic drinks I have had, number of cigarettes I have smoked, and the amount of chocolate I have in the house right now.

Monday, April 16, 2007

What a day!

I had a flat tire this morning ( big bummer).

I somehow missed a call from my lawyer about my car accident ( bigger bummer,lol). Gonna have to call her back tomorrow.

I did get to see a good friend today- totally changed the mood of the day. We watched some movies, talked a lot- it was a good day.

Sunday I slept most of the day ( oops- I never do that,lol) today I dealt w/ the tire and hung w/ my friend. That means that tomorrow I better get all my stuff done that I gotta get done.

My dad is coming over tomorrow to help do all the guy stuff that needs to be done around here. He is just the best dad a gal could ask for I tell you.

Well, I'm off..........

Saturday, April 14, 2007


So I am out of titles again,lol.

I was forced to update this blogger account. You know I was forced to, otherwise I would never have switched to the new and improved blogger. I dislike change and for goodness sake- what was wrong w/ the old blogger. It says nothing has changed, but it is new and improved............ whatever.

I can now blog in Hindu. Cool- I will get right on that.

OK- so I am so tired. I have not been able to fall asleep before 11 one night this week- what the heck is that about?? And I had my first dream about work last night- ugh!

I am really liking my job now- I have some more skills- I don't feel clueless all day
(just part of it)

I scrapbooked last night for the first time in ages, since my friend Vivian was here from Texas. I need to get back in the habit. I think I don't scrap as often since I don't have large blocks of time all at once like I used to. How did I used to do that when I worked before.... I forget,lol.

I got my guitar out the night before that also- haven't touched that in at least a year. I think I suck, Joel was impressed,lol. Honestly I don't play well- just good enough that 3 and 4 yr olds don't throw stuff at you.

Most heard phrases around our house these days........................
"Who drank all the sweet tea?"
"It is not my turn to let in the dogs"
"Are you ever going to cook, mom?"
"Who made this mess?"
"Can you turn down your radio?"
and since gas is 3 freaking dollars a gallon... "Mom... can I have some more money?"

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

josh at his last paintball tourney


Josh had the opportunity to go to CA for a pump paintball tournament. He had an awesome time. His team did not do well, but they are going to another tournament this weekend so they have another chance at well, whatever they have a chance at,lol.

Joel is in San Luis,AZ today playing baseball. San Luis is right on the border of Mexico, and when he is there his phone actually thinks he is in Mexico. It is a good hike from here, and I have TONS to do so I am just staying home today.

This week is National Telecommunicators Week.( I had no idea there was such a thing, but 911 dispatchers are recognized nationally this week, and our fire and police depts take the time to acknowledge us I guess) Our Fire Chief had a dinner for us last night, and I got to meet some of the people that work in that department. That was pretty cool. They have all been working together for quite awhile so I got to hear lots of funny stories, and get some history.

I am now down 27 lbs and my pants do not fit,lol. I tried to buy pants over the weekend but did not have any luck. I am going to have to head out of town I am afraid.

OK- lots to do and little time... peace out. Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

It's official.....

I am old.

I was at walmart yesterday. I was there the day before, but since I am old I forgot several things and had to go back.

There were lots of young families there, little kids, young cute mommies. They were buying beach towels, sand toys, diapers, etc. I was buying splints for my wrists ( work is killing me,lol) rolaids, and air freshener cuz my teenage sons stink.

Time marches on......

Monday, April 02, 2007

no good deed goes unpunished...

So almost 2 weeks ago I was in a car accident. Totally not my fault, but as usual, the not at fault person gets screwed the worst,lol.

I was rear ended in the freeway, we were both going fast ( him obviously faster than me,lol). I have pretty significant damage to my car, and I actually had whiplash. I felt good last week and now, I am still having some problems so I am gonna have to get that looked at I guess.

He did stop and pull over, and was a pretty nice guy about the whole thing. I would never have known who hit me ( it was dark) had he not stopped. He called his insurance right away, they gave me a policy number and I decided not to call the police. All I wanted was compensation for my car.

Well, his insurance company is now jacking me around. I just started my new job and really don't have the time or energy to deal w/ this, ya know?I contaced an attorney today, so hopefully that will get things started.

I talked w/ John a little bit this weekend. I miss him. I wish I knew where this was going. I guess we never do- you know the saying.. If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans. I have had my entire life planned out since the first day of kindergarten. Needless to say.. it hasn't quite worked out as I thought,lol. I have had to re invent myself now for the third time. It sure gets harder as you get older, but at the same time, I am really liking my life right now. I like the people that I work w/, I am starting to feel more competent, I am comfortable in my own skin for the first time in as long as I can remember.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Welp... he's gone

and I am so sad! I feel like a big ol dork- I didn't really know John that long, but there will be an emptiness w/ him gone.

I also feel like a dork because, for heaven's sakes, I just ended a 10 year relationship and I was much less upset about that. Like really happy, lol not upset at all, and here I am, knowing John for 6 weeks or whatever, and I feel kicked in the gut.

I knew he was leaving the day I met him. I thought it was going to be in July, at first, and that was cool w/ me, cuz after all- I wasn't looking. Then, it got moved up to April, but I was still fine, cuz we were just having fun.

Then, we started having feelings for eachother, things got intense. I still knew he was leaving, but we were supposed to be able to see eachother one more time. Just once more. That was the plan. Now, I dunno what the plan is. If we had known eachother longer, we could have decided what the plan was.

Things change, we have no control over them. The heart wants what the heart wants. Will I ever see him again? Will I ever hear his voice again? Is he being honest about why he is leaving? Does he really want to come back and see me again? I don't want to see anyone else, but how long does a person not see someone else? I guess you don't see anyone else as long as you don't want to, and when you do, then you do.

I guess I have to realize that I have no regrets here. I would have still done everything exactly the same- you know, I could have missed the pain, but then I would have missed the dance.(Thanks Garth). I learned so much, had so much fun, found the type of man I would like to see myself with. Hopefully, someday, it is him. If not, then I had a great ride and met someone who was great to know.

Monday, March 19, 2007

time for a break

from work that is. I have a lot of studying to do for work- lots of codes/abbreviations to learn. My brain feels all mushy so I am taking a break.

My kids are also on Spring Break this week, and I am off until Thursday, so we will be taking a break together.

I have a cold- which sux,lol. I hardly ever get sick, but alas, it happened.

So many exciting things happening in my life right now. The gal who is training me at work is happy w/ my progress, even if I am feeling frustrated. Joel is headed to ASU Frosh orientation this week. I guess that is happening to Joel, but it is happening to me too. He's got one foot out the door already,lol.

I am feeling mostly settled here in my new place. I started hanging things on the wall, organizing stuff and continuing to decide what to get rid of.

I have started going out more. I love karaoke,lol- kinda hokey huh? I have been trying to go at least once a week.

I have lost 15 lbs since Jan- pretty happy about that. Yeah, I'm trying,lol. People ask, are you trying?? Well duh- how else do they think it's happening? No Aladin's lamp here w/ a genie asking me for any wishes.

And the craziest freaking thing happened to me about a month ago. A girlfriend of mine, and her cousin were begging me to go out w/ them. We usually like different things ( they dance, I don't, and I don't listen to the type of music they listen to, and they usually head out of town to go out) but this time, they wanted to go somewhere in town. I almost cancelled at the last minute, but I had cancelled lunch w/ her two days before. I was tired, feeling down, but I drug myself out. I was having a good time. There weren't very many people there, so I got a lot of turns to sing. There was this goofy guy hitting on my friend, she was talking to him. He was at the table w/ two other guys. I was uneasy cuz I know how this goes, ya know? 3 guys, 3 girls. Only this girl isn't interested.

I got up to go to the restroom and when I came back out, one of the guys from that table was standing in the lobby waiting to talk to me. " Oh man" I thought to myself. I was SO not interested. I was honestly there just to sing. I have mentioned my man troubles here- I so don't need any more. I am just gonna raise my kids, learn my new job and move on w/ my life.
We talk a little bit, and for some reason he facinates me. He is confident. I like that. He talks about himself, he asks me about me. I like that too. He's "into" me- I like that too. I don't really care about his motives at that point- I was enjoying talking w/ him, walking w/ him. It was fun, nice. I am intoxicated by his confidence.

I give him my phone number, and we say we are going to meet the next evening. He was a little- OK, a lot pushy when I was leaving to go home, I was waaaay pissed off, so I had decided to wait until tuesday to meet him for dinner. My kids had the next day off of school, so we were all going to hang together anyway.

We meet for dinner the day after that and I was so darn nervous,lol No clue why- I had no reason to be, remember I was not going to date anyone,lol. No getting involved, this was just dinner. But, who knows why- I just was.

Again, he was confident- have I mentioned how much I like that?? I did not realize how much energy I have been wasting dealing w/ insecure men. It is just plain exhausting dealing w/ them. There is nothing I can say to this guy that makes him defensive. We disagree on some fairly important issues ( at least to me) and he is confident enough about himself to discuss them w/o getting all weird. Love that.

I am learning so much about myself, well remembering things I used to know, I guess. Love that too.

Ok, well, we continue to go out, and he has to leave AZ for business. He was here on business. This sux. LOL.

I don't even hear from him for a week. I figure I won't ever hear from him again. I was a little sad, I was having a lot of fun. He was challenging to me, in a good way. Made me think. Reminded me I was a woman, not just a mom. He reminded me what I would be looking for in a man, if I was looking. But- I'm not.

Ok now I'm looking. I don't want to give up on sharing my life w/ someone. I love taking care of people and darn it, the people I am taking care of now are going to move out,lol.

Out of the blue, he calls. My heart flips. Woah. It was just a chat. He is still out of state, and who knows when/if he is coming back. It was great to hear from him. He's gonna call me again sometime.

Sometime came a few hrs later,lol Maybe I'm on his mind as much as he is on mine?? We had a great talk that afternoon, talked on and on about stuff. I feel so great, starting to feel like a woman again, starting to be comfortable in my own skin again. Feeling more adequate. Maybe I have something to offer someone. Maybe if I am more careful this time, I could pick someone worth picking.

We talk almost every day that week. It feels like we are getting closer, even tho we are miles away.

All of a sudden I get a call that he's back. I'm over the moon,lol. We see eachother. I can't get enough of this guy. I feel so great when we talk, when we see eachother. The best part of it though, is the way I feel when I am not w/ him. I still feel good. I look forward to seeing him again, yes, but I also feel good about ME. And that is just awesome.

My feelings are very strong. I think his are too. We both have things on our plate though. The timing stinks. LOL.

He's leaving again in 2 weeks, and this time for a long time. It's a big bummer, but it's ok too. We talked about continuing to talk to eachother, and seeing eachother again. I'm gonna be fine. I have lots of loose ends to tie up anyway, and lots of things I need/want to do.
Well, that is the story of me, and john. We'll see where this leads.

Friday, March 16, 2007

week one...

ok- I can already see why my co workers don't know what day it is.... I have lost my internal clock/calendar already,lol. I thought yesterday was monday, and not sure what I thought today was,lol.

This job is very different than teaching, in that it is much less physical.When I was teaching, I was draggin my butt home every day, and w/ this, even though the shifts are much longer, I am ready to run around after sitting most of the day.

My kids are doing ok, they have risen to the occasion- they are having to help more w/ chores, and getting some things done that are really not their favorites.

Josh is in California at a paintball tourney.That is super fun for him. He is really proud of himself, and hopefully it goes well.

anyway- I'm off- more coming soon

Friday, March 09, 2007

ok- it's time!

This will probably be the longest post in history- so make sure you have a favorite drink, and that you have a comfy seat!

There have been many things happening to me lately, that for various reasons I have had to keep under wraps. I am going to start at what I feel is the beginning and go on from there.

A little over 2 years ago, my husband had a very serious heart condition ( he had an ascending aortic dissection- the condition that killed John Ritter). He almost died, and was hospitalized for a little over two weeks. At that time I found out that he was drinking heavily and also smoking.
( Neither of these cause this heart condition, however they made his recovery much more difficult) There are a variety of reasons that I did not know he was drinking/smoking, but I suppose that is another post and not really relevant to this story.

He came home from the hospital, participated in physical therapy and the other parts of his recovery process, and returned to work.During the time he was home, we went to marriage counseling and I believed we were on the right track. Kind of a second chance at life, so to speak.

That did not last very long, and by the end of that first year, he was again drinking heavily. I was "paying attention" this time,lol so I caught it. I again got him to go to counseling w/ me, but he would not go alone, and tackle his alcohol problem.

Around that time, he was diagnosed w/ a couple of other medical problems, again not related to alcohol, which really is to his detriment since he now believes that I am the root of his medical problems, and since alcohol is not the cause, it must be good for him.

I dealt with this the best I could, continuing to try to support/help him. After about 6 months of that, I realized that I am not going to be able to fix this- I am going to have to save myself/my children.

I begin a job search, since during my marriage I was a SAHM. Do I go back into teaching( which I love more than almost anything, but was difficult w/ my own health problems) or do I look for something that will pay a bit better and possibly not have the physical demands of being a preschool teacher.

A friend of mine is a 911 dispatcher, and after toying w/ the idea of it, and deciding how it would work w/ my children, I decide to apply.

My husband gets upset- why am I doing that, etc. I was honest w/ him that I am protecting myself/my children, in case he is unable to get it together.

He starts to "get it together"- at least on the surface. Again, this is very short lived.

The process to become a 911 dispatcher is long. It is taking forever,lol. There are tests, checks, and lots of delays.

A couple of days after New Years ( now we are in '07,lol) I get a knock on my door. It is the Sherriff telling me that I have 15 days to leave the house I had lived in for the last 10 years. This house was not a dream house to most- but I loved everything about it.

It seems my husband had decided that he no longer wanted to pay any bills. He wants to be free from all responsibilty and have lots of money to "party and invest in the lottery". I am now left to find someone that wants to rent to someone who has just had a forclosure ( thankfully the loan was not in my name and thus not the forclosure) and move my life to another place.

I found a nice place, and was able to keep all of my animals ( I have some livestock, in addition to dogs)and am still in my kids' school district, and am fairly settled in. I am beginning to like it here. My kids like it here- and are feeling good that the stress and drama has left our lives.

Finally after much waiting, testing and such ( I even had to take a polygraph,lol) I was officially offered my job, and will be starting on Monday. I had orientation this week, and am happy with the benefit package and the cost of said benefits.

This has been a rough ride for me, but I am feeling good about where I am headed and what my new life has in store for me. Thanks all for reading this, and for being good friends to me, even when you had no idea what was happening in my life.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007


It has been brought to my attention that I am a bad blogger. I would totally agree w/ you, but that is not my nature.
I have so much to say, but I can't yet. Once I have the go ahead- I will be able to tell ya'll everything. Then you will be wishing that I would shush already. I promise. Trust me. It's good, and worth the wait.( OK I dunno about that part but it sounds good.)
Take care... until next time...

Monday, February 12, 2007

just a wee update

I got a call today from the commander of the police dept I am hoping to dispatch for. I must have given a wrong address for a reference, so I had to go get the right addy and call it in. He said that is all we are waiting on, and since I don't have any concerns about his reference- I am really starting to feel good about this!!
I was getting worried and applied for two jobs on friday that were in my former field ( early childhood ed). I would prefer the dispatcher job, so hopefully that all does work out, but I felt like I needed some eggs in another basket so to speak.
all right- one of my kids is bugging for thier turn so I am off!

Friday, February 02, 2007

okee dokee

still here,lol.
Still not working, but progress is being made. I know they have checked references, and I have not recieved a thanks, but no thanks, letter. From my experience in working w/ goverment agencies- they are pretty slow,lol.
I have needed the time anyway, to get some other things settled, so like they say, everything happens for a reason.

I am excited that spring is almost here in az. I have been walking around my yard, trying to decide what is next on my project list.

I have been good about getting rid of things lately. Almost every day for the past 2 weeks I have taken at least one box to goodwill. I will probably have a yard sale once it warms up, and donate what doesn't sell. Then, what a great feeling I will have to only have the things I need and love around me- instead of all the packrat stuff I have been saving for who knows what reason,lol.

My favorite dog of all times, Taz, is getting old. He is 12 now, and still occasionally has bursts of energy and runs around like a puppy, but for the most part, he is really showing his age. He is having trouble getting up the steps to the porch.His hearing is not as sharp as it used to be. He wants to lie on my feet all of the time- he follows me everywhere. He is annoyed at our lively basset hound's non stop energy. I love this dog.

Today, Josh and I are going to my moms to get my hair colored, and to visit his favorite paintball store. I am going to go to bookmans too- with two boxes of books in hand,lol. Bookmans is the best used book store ever. They take books in trade, I usually end up spending more than I earn, but lately, while on my decluttering mission, I have racked up quite a store credit- fearing that I will have to dust one more book if I bring it home,lol.
Joel, being of sound mind and independant body- thinks going with Josh and I to grandmas sounds like a form of torture, so he isn't gonna go.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

when life hands you lemons........

make lemonade! That is the month,year, life I am having right now,lol. I am struggling w/ some things, but I feel more mentally healthy than I have in a long time. Lots of changes happening in my life. Change=stress for me. However, each and every one of these changes will be for the best.... at some point.

On the job front, things are still progressing, I have a polygraph scheduled for next week. If I haven't mentioned it, I am just completely and totally freaked out at the idea of taking this test. I don't have any reason to be freaked out. Hopefully I rise to this occasion and just do fine.

My oldest son Joel has been busy at work practicing his "lawyer skills" He debates every issue. It is less than wonderful,lol. He is becoming independant and has lost his desire to be part of this family and help out. He and I are identical souls and hopefully he comes around sooner than later.

Josh, who on the surface seems like he could care less about others, on the other hand has been the most supportive wonderful person around.

Take care!