About Me

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I was a preschool teacher for almost 20 years. I had lots of wonderful experiences. I have now been a 911 dispatcher for 6 yrs now.I love animals,small towns, good food ,karaoke, baseball and walking around our local zoo. Makes me feel at home,lol. I live and breathe scrapbooking and my two adult sons. They really are what is most important in my life.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

There is no I in team

There are a few things that are not my favorite about my new job, sorta why they call it work, I guess.

But one of the things that I just don't really understand is the lack of teamwork and professionalism. Of course, not everyone is like this, but it is surely the worst place I have worked with regard to these two issues.

We have two shifts, and that in itself is tough. I don't believe we as people are actually designed to work 12 hr shifts,lol. But we all are doing it. We get three glorious days off each week, and that is nice. There is a lot of competition between the shifts. I don't get that- we are all doing the same job- just at different times. Let's be kind to eachtoher and help eachother out. There are comments everyday like " Those people on day shift, blah blah blah" or the reverse about the night shift.

Last I checked everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Everyone has things they are good at, everyone has things they can improve upon. Look for the strengths in others, and look for ways to improve yourself. Please.

I think we waste a lot of energy and peace that we could have for ourselves with things like this.

Friday, October 19, 2007

OK-I warned you

This post will be the longest in the history of the earth.This post will be about miscarriage. It will be about the first time I seriously thought about leaving my kids' dad.

Let me back up to when I first realized I was pregnant. Although I had wanted a third child,my husband did not. We were not trying to get pregnant, I was taking the pill. My husband, of course, blamed me for getting pregnant. That is a good trick,eh?

My husband wanted me to get an abortion. I am pro choice for other people, pro life for myself. I told him no. He said he would leave if I did not.

I could not decide what to do. This is the proverbial rock and hard place. I have two sons who adore their father. I was proud of still being married to my husband, and our family intact.Is it a bigger sin to divorce or to have an abortion?

I started having physical signs of stress. I turned to my best friends and pastor for guidance.One day, while one of my good friends was there ( who happened to be male) listening to me go on and on about this, my husband came home and became furious that he was there at the house.( Never mind that I had 2 kids there, everyone had all of their clothes on- he decided we were having an affair.) He claimed to be coming home to tell me to go ahead and keep the baby but that although he would not leave he was done taking care of the boys and this future child.

In the end, it would not be up to either of us. I started spotting at work. I was a preschool teacher for Head Start at that time, in a school an hr away from my hometown.I called my doctor, he advised me to go home, and come in to his office the first appointment after lunch. I called my husband to tell him. He said "OK" as if it were nothing.

I got my things together, got some help for my assistant teacher and headed for home. I called my husband again to see if he could pick up our 3 year old from preschool.I was feeling ill and the spotting had gotten worse. I was cramping, and very upset. I was worried that I might not be able to pick him up later.He said no. It was out of his way from work and plus since I was coming home there was no reason for him to do so.

I stopped into the preschool for him, called my brother in law to see if he could help watch him while I went to the doctor so I did not have to take a 3 yr old with me.My brother in law was happy to do it. He was only 16 and more help than my husband. Go figure.

I was weak by the time I got home, everything was much worse. I called my husband, who called me a drama queen,but he did call his grandmother over so my brother in law could drive me to the doctor. How big of him,eh?

My husbands' grandma was wonderful. She kept the kids busy, and let me rest. My brother in law and I went off to the doctor.

The doctor got me in right away, and confirmed my worst fears. I was miscarrying this baby that I had fought so hard to keep. I was devastated. My poor brother in law, again, aged 16 did not know what to do. He said some of the nicest words ever to me "I wish I could make it OK". I need to email him and tell him how much those words meant to me, I think I never let him know.

I called my husband. He said he was too busy at work to come home. My brother in law left but my husbands' grandmother stayed.

Some women barely feel anything physically. I had wonderful labors, so you would think this would not really be a big deal, I was only about 9 weeks. Well, I had some really bad cramping and really, could hardly walk/stand.I stayed in bed.

When my husband came home, he told his grandma that she could go. He then came in and told me that if I thought that I was going to lie there all night feeling sorry for myself while he did all of the work I was crazy. I got up to try to make dinner. I was having a difficult time. He told me to get out of there, that I was disgusting.

The boys sat on the bed with me and watched TV. I told them I was "a little sick". They were worried, as they do now when I am sick. I was so so so sad.

A few hours later, I had an urge to go to the restroom, where I miscarried the baby. The doctor had told me that would happen, so I was sort of prepared. I was supposed to save it, blah blah blah, so they could see what happened.I asked my husband to help. He said he would be there when there was a commercial.I handled it.

I asked him, if at a commercial he could put the kids to bed. He did but complained, and refused to read them the stories that they were used to. I got up and read them their stories.

He came to bed about an hour later and told me he did not know why I was so sad since this whole entire thing was my fault anyway. I cried myself to sleep.

I got counseling after that. I was so sad. I was sad about the baby, I was sad about my marriage.

I had lots of support from work, from my coworkers to parents of kids in my class. They had told my class that I had "lost my baby" and that when I came back to work I might be a little sad about it.

My first day back to work was hard. I had a long commute, lots of time for thinking. I used to sing in the car,now I don't think I will ever sing again. Maybe I will never smile. Everyone in the room was watching me. Trying hard to make sure that it would be as easy as possible. No one knew what to say, if they should say anything or not. Adults can have a tough time with this,being afraid of saying the wrong thing. One of the kids in my class came to me, held my hand and said "Teacherlisa, next time, hold your baby really really close so you don't loose it". Her mother was mortified. She went to pull her away, I pulled her close to me. Those were some beautiful, thoughtful words. This special child, only 4 years old,had the courage to say something, from her heart. She cared so much for me. I will never forget her. She is an example for all of us- say what is in your heart.

That was 13 years ago, and all of us are fine.


Sunday, October 14, 2007


I was reading some comments before and came across one that said "Who would have thought that things would have changed that much" Well, not me.

I knew things needed to change, and I knew they were going to( as change is inevitable, plus I was making some changes).

As I had mentioned before I was really at a low point in my life at this time last year. I was facing some tough choices, and some tough stuff was being thrown at me.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so they say, but I sure didn't feel it. How could I go on, how could I continue to fight? I had no energy to deal with the things I HAD to deal with. I did not see any way to the other side.

I am so devoted to my kids, so I plugged away at it. Survived. Did what I absolutely had to do each day. Nothing else. Had to get a job, a new place to live. Blah blah blah. I am a big proponent of "fake it till you make it". And, I did.

I didn't think I would be happy.I thought I would always be in survival mode. I thought Joel moving out would put me back however many steps I had moved forward. I thought I could never like any other home other than the house I had in Maricopa.I thought I would always be driving that car that was barely moving down the road.And of course, my heart was closed forever.

That was only 11 months ago, and it seems like a lifetime. I don't even recognize that time in my life.

I am happy. More now than ever. I am living, not surviving. I miss Joel ( ok, sometimes I miss him, sometimes I enjoy the quiet). My house now is fine, and as crazy as it sounds I could actually see myself moving to a totally different place than the place I have always known. I am driving a car that works, and doesn't cause me stress every time I turn over the key.

And, as the saying goes, you find love when you are not looking for it. It really didn't matter that I had decided to go it alone. Work, make new friends, finish raising my kids, get hobbies. I had decided I was just too different from most people to actually find someone that I would be happy to be with, and that would be happy to be with me. I am overjoyed to say that I have found that. Well, he found me.

If ever I am at another point in my life I hope to remember the "Everything happens for a reason" schpiel and all that.

Ok- that is about as much sappiness as I can stand, so the next few posts are going to be about some rough times from my 20's. They will seem vastly different from these posts. They were from another low point, and I think it is good to reflect on those as well. I do NOT feel sorry for myself- so you don't either. But don't read them if you will be disturbed about stories of abuse, violence or miscarriage.( I know I have some softhearted friends out there,lol) I am fine, they were two lifetimes ago.......

Friday, October 12, 2007

sleep work sleep

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

I did nothing exciting because all I did was sleep work sleep. It's the story of my life really.

Josh and I did spend some time together, watching Law and Order SVU. We are on season 2 now.

I don't think Joel has been home in 3 weeks now. I have been to see him, I go once a week on my way to Karaoke,lol.

He is all about putting the past behind him, skipping this weeks High School Homecoming Football Game to attend his Frat party.This was the kid that planned to not miss any games. He is even taking his laundry to my mom's. I am a little misty over that one,lol. Proud, but missing him.

Take care,

Sunday, October 07, 2007

hey there

Feeling blessed today.

Lots of exciting things going on next week, for me. All of us at work are going to some additional training, on giving pre arrival medical instructions to callers in need of EMS services. Even though it means working on one of my days off for the training, and another of my days off to allow the others to go to training, I am excited about it.Love learning new stuff.

I need to go shopping for some new clothes,especially pants.I have lost a little more weight,and it is very very cold in my office at work. Like you don't need to put your lunch in the fridge cold. Like I bring gloves cold. Brrrrrr.I think I am going to have to switch from my Chocolate Diet Coke to some kind of hot coffee drink.

I found this wonderful new bread,made by Sara Lee. It is called thick sliced or something like that. I can only find it at Walmart but I love love love it. It is just the best and I have been eating more sandwiches and toast than I should,lol.

I am hoping to get to the Tucson Zoo in the next couple weeks,they have polar bears there,and I love them,lol. OK so gotta run, getting busy here...