and I am so sad! I feel like a big ol dork- I didn't really know John that long, but there will be an emptiness w/ him gone.
I also feel like a dork because, for heaven's sakes, I just ended a 10 year relationship and I was much less upset about that. Like really happy, lol not upset at all, and here I am, knowing John for 6 weeks or whatever, and I feel kicked in the gut.
I knew he was leaving the day I met him. I thought it was going to be in July, at first, and that was cool w/ me, cuz after all- I wasn't looking. Then, it got moved up to April, but I was still fine, cuz we were just having fun.
Then, we started having feelings for eachother, things got intense. I still knew he was leaving, but we were supposed to be able to see eachother one more time. Just once more. That was the plan. Now, I dunno what the plan is. If we had known eachother longer, we could have decided what the plan was.
Things change, we have no control over them. The heart wants what the heart wants. Will I ever see him again? Will I ever hear his voice again? Is he being honest about why he is leaving? Does he really want to come back and see me again? I don't want to see anyone else, but how long does a person not see someone else? I guess you don't see anyone else as long as you don't want to, and when you do, then you do.
I guess I have to realize that I have no regrets here. I would have still done everything exactly the same- you know, I could have missed the pain, but then I would have missed the dance.(Thanks Garth). I learned so much, had so much fun, found the type of man I would like to see myself with. Hopefully, someday, it is him. If not, then I had a great ride and met someone who was great to know.
About Me
- Lisa
- I was a preschool teacher for almost 20 years. I had lots of wonderful experiences. I have now been a 911 dispatcher for 6 yrs now.I love animals,small towns, good food ,karaoke, baseball and walking around our local zoo. Makes me feel at home,lol. I live and breathe scrapbooking and my two adult sons. They really are what is most important in my life.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
time for a break
from work that is. I have a lot of studying to do for work- lots of codes/abbreviations to learn. My brain feels all mushy so I am taking a break.
My kids are also on Spring Break this week, and I am off until Thursday, so we will be taking a break together.
I have a cold- which sux,lol. I hardly ever get sick, but alas, it happened.
So many exciting things happening in my life right now. The gal who is training me at work is happy w/ my progress, even if I am feeling frustrated. Joel is headed to ASU Frosh orientation this week. I guess that is happening to Joel, but it is happening to me too. He's got one foot out the door already,lol.
I am feeling mostly settled here in my new place. I started hanging things on the wall, organizing stuff and continuing to decide what to get rid of.
I have started going out more. I love karaoke,lol- kinda hokey huh? I have been trying to go at least once a week.
I have lost 15 lbs since Jan- pretty happy about that. Yeah, I'm trying,lol. People ask, are you trying?? Well duh- how else do they think it's happening? No Aladin's lamp here w/ a genie asking me for any wishes.
And the craziest freaking thing happened to me about a month ago. A girlfriend of mine, and her cousin were begging me to go out w/ them. We usually like different things ( they dance, I don't, and I don't listen to the type of music they listen to, and they usually head out of town to go out) but this time, they wanted to go somewhere in town. I almost cancelled at the last minute, but I had cancelled lunch w/ her two days before. I was tired, feeling down, but I drug myself out. I was having a good time. There weren't very many people there, so I got a lot of turns to sing. There was this goofy guy hitting on my friend, she was talking to him. He was at the table w/ two other guys. I was uneasy cuz I know how this goes, ya know? 3 guys, 3 girls. Only this girl isn't interested.
I got up to go to the restroom and when I came back out, one of the guys from that table was standing in the lobby waiting to talk to me. " Oh man" I thought to myself. I was SO not interested. I was honestly there just to sing. I have mentioned my man troubles here- I so don't need any more. I am just gonna raise my kids, learn my new job and move on w/ my life.
We talk a little bit, and for some reason he facinates me. He is confident. I like that. He talks about himself, he asks me about me. I like that too. He's "into" me- I like that too. I don't really care about his motives at that point- I was enjoying talking w/ him, walking w/ him. It was fun, nice. I am intoxicated by his confidence.
I give him my phone number, and we say we are going to meet the next evening. He was a little- OK, a lot pushy when I was leaving to go home, I was waaaay pissed off, so I had decided to wait until tuesday to meet him for dinner. My kids had the next day off of school, so we were all going to hang together anyway.
We meet for dinner the day after that and I was so darn nervous,lol No clue why- I had no reason to be, remember I was not going to date anyone,lol. No getting involved, this was just dinner. But, who knows why- I just was.
Again, he was confident- have I mentioned how much I like that?? I did not realize how much energy I have been wasting dealing w/ insecure men. It is just plain exhausting dealing w/ them. There is nothing I can say to this guy that makes him defensive. We disagree on some fairly important issues ( at least to me) and he is confident enough about himself to discuss them w/o getting all weird. Love that.
I am learning so much about myself, well remembering things I used to know, I guess. Love that too.
Ok, well, we continue to go out, and he has to leave AZ for business. He was here on business. This sux. LOL.
I don't even hear from him for a week. I figure I won't ever hear from him again. I was a little sad, I was having a lot of fun. He was challenging to me, in a good way. Made me think. Reminded me I was a woman, not just a mom. He reminded me what I would be looking for in a man, if I was looking. But- I'm not.
Ok now I'm looking. I don't want to give up on sharing my life w/ someone. I love taking care of people and darn it, the people I am taking care of now are going to move out,lol.
Out of the blue, he calls. My heart flips. Woah. It was just a chat. He is still out of state, and who knows when/if he is coming back. It was great to hear from him. He's gonna call me again sometime.
Sometime came a few hrs later,lol Maybe I'm on his mind as much as he is on mine?? We had a great talk that afternoon, talked on and on about stuff. I feel so great, starting to feel like a woman again, starting to be comfortable in my own skin again. Feeling more adequate. Maybe I have something to offer someone. Maybe if I am more careful this time, I could pick someone worth picking.
We talk almost every day that week. It feels like we are getting closer, even tho we are miles away.
All of a sudden I get a call that he's back. I'm over the moon,lol. We see eachother. I can't get enough of this guy. I feel so great when we talk, when we see eachother. The best part of it though, is the way I feel when I am not w/ him. I still feel good. I look forward to seeing him again, yes, but I also feel good about ME. And that is just awesome.
My feelings are very strong. I think his are too. We both have things on our plate though. The timing stinks. LOL.
He's leaving again in 2 weeks, and this time for a long time. It's a big bummer, but it's ok too. We talked about continuing to talk to eachother, and seeing eachother again. I'm gonna be fine. I have lots of loose ends to tie up anyway, and lots of things I need/want to do.
Well, that is the story of me, and john. We'll see where this leads.
My kids are also on Spring Break this week, and I am off until Thursday, so we will be taking a break together.
I have a cold- which sux,lol. I hardly ever get sick, but alas, it happened.
So many exciting things happening in my life right now. The gal who is training me at work is happy w/ my progress, even if I am feeling frustrated. Joel is headed to ASU Frosh orientation this week. I guess that is happening to Joel, but it is happening to me too. He's got one foot out the door already,lol.
I am feeling mostly settled here in my new place. I started hanging things on the wall, organizing stuff and continuing to decide what to get rid of.
I have started going out more. I love karaoke,lol- kinda hokey huh? I have been trying to go at least once a week.
I have lost 15 lbs since Jan- pretty happy about that. Yeah, I'm trying,lol. People ask, are you trying?? Well duh- how else do they think it's happening? No Aladin's lamp here w/ a genie asking me for any wishes.
And the craziest freaking thing happened to me about a month ago. A girlfriend of mine, and her cousin were begging me to go out w/ them. We usually like different things ( they dance, I don't, and I don't listen to the type of music they listen to, and they usually head out of town to go out) but this time, they wanted to go somewhere in town. I almost cancelled at the last minute, but I had cancelled lunch w/ her two days before. I was tired, feeling down, but I drug myself out. I was having a good time. There weren't very many people there, so I got a lot of turns to sing. There was this goofy guy hitting on my friend, she was talking to him. He was at the table w/ two other guys. I was uneasy cuz I know how this goes, ya know? 3 guys, 3 girls. Only this girl isn't interested.
I got up to go to the restroom and when I came back out, one of the guys from that table was standing in the lobby waiting to talk to me. " Oh man" I thought to myself. I was SO not interested. I was honestly there just to sing. I have mentioned my man troubles here- I so don't need any more. I am just gonna raise my kids, learn my new job and move on w/ my life.
We talk a little bit, and for some reason he facinates me. He is confident. I like that. He talks about himself, he asks me about me. I like that too. He's "into" me- I like that too. I don't really care about his motives at that point- I was enjoying talking w/ him, walking w/ him. It was fun, nice. I am intoxicated by his confidence.
I give him my phone number, and we say we are going to meet the next evening. He was a little- OK, a lot pushy when I was leaving to go home, I was waaaay pissed off, so I had decided to wait until tuesday to meet him for dinner. My kids had the next day off of school, so we were all going to hang together anyway.
We meet for dinner the day after that and I was so darn nervous,lol No clue why- I had no reason to be, remember I was not going to date anyone,lol. No getting involved, this was just dinner. But, who knows why- I just was.
Again, he was confident- have I mentioned how much I like that?? I did not realize how much energy I have been wasting dealing w/ insecure men. It is just plain exhausting dealing w/ them. There is nothing I can say to this guy that makes him defensive. We disagree on some fairly important issues ( at least to me) and he is confident enough about himself to discuss them w/o getting all weird. Love that.
I am learning so much about myself, well remembering things I used to know, I guess. Love that too.
Ok, well, we continue to go out, and he has to leave AZ for business. He was here on business. This sux. LOL.
I don't even hear from him for a week. I figure I won't ever hear from him again. I was a little sad, I was having a lot of fun. He was challenging to me, in a good way. Made me think. Reminded me I was a woman, not just a mom. He reminded me what I would be looking for in a man, if I was looking. But- I'm not.
Ok now I'm looking. I don't want to give up on sharing my life w/ someone. I love taking care of people and darn it, the people I am taking care of now are going to move out,lol.
Out of the blue, he calls. My heart flips. Woah. It was just a chat. He is still out of state, and who knows when/if he is coming back. It was great to hear from him. He's gonna call me again sometime.
Sometime came a few hrs later,lol Maybe I'm on his mind as much as he is on mine?? We had a great talk that afternoon, talked on and on about stuff. I feel so great, starting to feel like a woman again, starting to be comfortable in my own skin again. Feeling more adequate. Maybe I have something to offer someone. Maybe if I am more careful this time, I could pick someone worth picking.
We talk almost every day that week. It feels like we are getting closer, even tho we are miles away.
All of a sudden I get a call that he's back. I'm over the moon,lol. We see eachother. I can't get enough of this guy. I feel so great when we talk, when we see eachother. The best part of it though, is the way I feel when I am not w/ him. I still feel good. I look forward to seeing him again, yes, but I also feel good about ME. And that is just awesome.
My feelings are very strong. I think his are too. We both have things on our plate though. The timing stinks. LOL.
He's leaving again in 2 weeks, and this time for a long time. It's a big bummer, but it's ok too. We talked about continuing to talk to eachother, and seeing eachother again. I'm gonna be fine. I have lots of loose ends to tie up anyway, and lots of things I need/want to do.
Well, that is the story of me, and john. We'll see where this leads.
Friday, March 16, 2007
week one...
ok- I can already see why my co workers don't know what day it is.... I have lost my internal clock/calendar already,lol. I thought yesterday was monday, and not sure what I thought today was,lol.
This job is very different than teaching, in that it is much less physical.When I was teaching, I was draggin my butt home every day, and w/ this, even though the shifts are much longer, I am ready to run around after sitting most of the day.
My kids are doing ok, they have risen to the occasion- they are having to help more w/ chores, and getting some things done that are really not their favorites.
Josh is in California at a paintball tourney.That is super fun for him. He is really proud of himself, and hopefully it goes well.
anyway- I'm off- more coming soon
This job is very different than teaching, in that it is much less physical.When I was teaching, I was draggin my butt home every day, and w/ this, even though the shifts are much longer, I am ready to run around after sitting most of the day.
My kids are doing ok, they have risen to the occasion- they are having to help more w/ chores, and getting some things done that are really not their favorites.
Josh is in California at a paintball tourney.That is super fun for him. He is really proud of himself, and hopefully it goes well.
anyway- I'm off- more coming soon
Friday, March 09, 2007
ok- it's time!
This will probably be the longest post in history- so make sure you have a favorite drink, and that you have a comfy seat!
There have been many things happening to me lately, that for various reasons I have had to keep under wraps. I am going to start at what I feel is the beginning and go on from there.
A little over 2 years ago, my husband had a very serious heart condition ( he had an ascending aortic dissection- the condition that killed John Ritter). He almost died, and was hospitalized for a little over two weeks. At that time I found out that he was drinking heavily and also smoking.
( Neither of these cause this heart condition, however they made his recovery much more difficult) There are a variety of reasons that I did not know he was drinking/smoking, but I suppose that is another post and not really relevant to this story.
He came home from the hospital, participated in physical therapy and the other parts of his recovery process, and returned to work.During the time he was home, we went to marriage counseling and I believed we were on the right track. Kind of a second chance at life, so to speak.
That did not last very long, and by the end of that first year, he was again drinking heavily. I was "paying attention" this time,lol so I caught it. I again got him to go to counseling w/ me, but he would not go alone, and tackle his alcohol problem.
Around that time, he was diagnosed w/ a couple of other medical problems, again not related to alcohol, which really is to his detriment since he now believes that I am the root of his medical problems, and since alcohol is not the cause, it must be good for him.
I dealt with this the best I could, continuing to try to support/help him. After about 6 months of that, I realized that I am not going to be able to fix this- I am going to have to save myself/my children.
I begin a job search, since during my marriage I was a SAHM. Do I go back into teaching( which I love more than almost anything, but was difficult w/ my own health problems) or do I look for something that will pay a bit better and possibly not have the physical demands of being a preschool teacher.
A friend of mine is a 911 dispatcher, and after toying w/ the idea of it, and deciding how it would work w/ my children, I decide to apply.
My husband gets upset- why am I doing that, etc. I was honest w/ him that I am protecting myself/my children, in case he is unable to get it together.
He starts to "get it together"- at least on the surface. Again, this is very short lived.
The process to become a 911 dispatcher is long. It is taking forever,lol. There are tests, checks, and lots of delays.
A couple of days after New Years ( now we are in '07,lol) I get a knock on my door. It is the Sherriff telling me that I have 15 days to leave the house I had lived in for the last 10 years. This house was not a dream house to most- but I loved everything about it.
It seems my husband had decided that he no longer wanted to pay any bills. He wants to be free from all responsibilty and have lots of money to "party and invest in the lottery". I am now left to find someone that wants to rent to someone who has just had a forclosure ( thankfully the loan was not in my name and thus not the forclosure) and move my life to another place.
I found a nice place, and was able to keep all of my animals ( I have some livestock, in addition to dogs)and am still in my kids' school district, and am fairly settled in. I am beginning to like it here. My kids like it here- and are feeling good that the stress and drama has left our lives.
Finally after much waiting, testing and such ( I even had to take a polygraph,lol) I was officially offered my job, and will be starting on Monday. I had orientation this week, and am happy with the benefit package and the cost of said benefits.
This has been a rough ride for me, but I am feeling good about where I am headed and what my new life has in store for me. Thanks all for reading this, and for being good friends to me, even when you had no idea what was happening in my life.
There have been many things happening to me lately, that for various reasons I have had to keep under wraps. I am going to start at what I feel is the beginning and go on from there.
A little over 2 years ago, my husband had a very serious heart condition ( he had an ascending aortic dissection- the condition that killed John Ritter). He almost died, and was hospitalized for a little over two weeks. At that time I found out that he was drinking heavily and also smoking.
( Neither of these cause this heart condition, however they made his recovery much more difficult) There are a variety of reasons that I did not know he was drinking/smoking, but I suppose that is another post and not really relevant to this story.
He came home from the hospital, participated in physical therapy and the other parts of his recovery process, and returned to work.During the time he was home, we went to marriage counseling and I believed we were on the right track. Kind of a second chance at life, so to speak.
That did not last very long, and by the end of that first year, he was again drinking heavily. I was "paying attention" this time,lol so I caught it. I again got him to go to counseling w/ me, but he would not go alone, and tackle his alcohol problem.
Around that time, he was diagnosed w/ a couple of other medical problems, again not related to alcohol, which really is to his detriment since he now believes that I am the root of his medical problems, and since alcohol is not the cause, it must be good for him.
I dealt with this the best I could, continuing to try to support/help him. After about 6 months of that, I realized that I am not going to be able to fix this- I am going to have to save myself/my children.
I begin a job search, since during my marriage I was a SAHM. Do I go back into teaching( which I love more than almost anything, but was difficult w/ my own health problems) or do I look for something that will pay a bit better and possibly not have the physical demands of being a preschool teacher.
A friend of mine is a 911 dispatcher, and after toying w/ the idea of it, and deciding how it would work w/ my children, I decide to apply.
My husband gets upset- why am I doing that, etc. I was honest w/ him that I am protecting myself/my children, in case he is unable to get it together.
He starts to "get it together"- at least on the surface. Again, this is very short lived.
The process to become a 911 dispatcher is long. It is taking forever,lol. There are tests, checks, and lots of delays.
A couple of days after New Years ( now we are in '07,lol) I get a knock on my door. It is the Sherriff telling me that I have 15 days to leave the house I had lived in for the last 10 years. This house was not a dream house to most- but I loved everything about it.
It seems my husband had decided that he no longer wanted to pay any bills. He wants to be free from all responsibilty and have lots of money to "party and invest in the lottery". I am now left to find someone that wants to rent to someone who has just had a forclosure ( thankfully the loan was not in my name and thus not the forclosure) and move my life to another place.
I found a nice place, and was able to keep all of my animals ( I have some livestock, in addition to dogs)and am still in my kids' school district, and am fairly settled in. I am beginning to like it here. My kids like it here- and are feeling good that the stress and drama has left our lives.
Finally after much waiting, testing and such ( I even had to take a polygraph,lol) I was officially offered my job, and will be starting on Monday. I had orientation this week, and am happy with the benefit package and the cost of said benefits.
This has been a rough ride for me, but I am feeling good about where I am headed and what my new life has in store for me. Thanks all for reading this, and for being good friends to me, even when you had no idea what was happening in my life.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
whaddareyagonnadoaboudit?
It has been brought to my attention that I am a bad blogger. I would totally agree w/ you, but that is not my nature.
I have so much to say, but I can't yet. Once I have the go ahead- I will be able to tell ya'll everything. Then you will be wishing that I would shush already. I promise. Trust me. It's good, and worth the wait.( OK I dunno about that part but it sounds good.)
Take care... until next time...
Lisa
I have so much to say, but I can't yet. Once I have the go ahead- I will be able to tell ya'll everything. Then you will be wishing that I would shush already. I promise. Trust me. It's good, and worth the wait.( OK I dunno about that part but it sounds good.)
Take care... until next time...
Lisa
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