OK-I warned you

This post will be the longest in the history of the earth.This post will be about miscarriage. It will be about the first time I seriously thought about leaving my kids' dad.

Let me back up to when I first realized I was pregnant. Although I had wanted a third child,my husband did not. We were not trying to get pregnant, I was taking the pill. My husband, of course, blamed me for getting pregnant. That is a good trick,eh?

My husband wanted me to get an abortion. I am pro choice for other people, pro life for myself. I told him no. He said he would leave if I did not.

I could not decide what to do. This is the proverbial rock and hard place. I have two sons who adore their father. I was proud of still being married to my husband, and our family intact.Is it a bigger sin to divorce or to have an abortion?

I started having physical signs of stress. I turned to my best friends and pastor for guidance.One day, while one of my good friends was there ( who happened to be male) listening to me go on and on about this, my husband came home and became furious that he was there at the house.( Never mind that I had 2 kids there, everyone had all of their clothes on- he decided we were having an affair.) He claimed to be coming home to tell me to go ahead and keep the baby but that although he would not leave he was done taking care of the boys and this future child.

In the end, it would not be up to either of us. I started spotting at work. I was a preschool teacher for Head Start at that time, in a school an hr away from my hometown.I called my doctor, he advised me to go home, and come in to his office the first appointment after lunch. I called my husband to tell him. He said "OK" as if it were nothing.

I got my things together, got some help for my assistant teacher and headed for home. I called my husband again to see if he could pick up our 3 year old from preschool.I was feeling ill and the spotting had gotten worse. I was cramping, and very upset. I was worried that I might not be able to pick him up later.He said no. It was out of his way from work and plus since I was coming home there was no reason for him to do so.

I stopped into the preschool for him, called my brother in law to see if he could help watch him while I went to the doctor so I did not have to take a 3 yr old with me.My brother in law was happy to do it. He was only 16 and more help than my husband. Go figure.

I was weak by the time I got home, everything was much worse. I called my husband, who called me a drama queen,but he did call his grandmother over so my brother in law could drive me to the doctor. How big of him,eh?

My husbands' grandma was wonderful. She kept the kids busy, and let me rest. My brother in law and I went off to the doctor.

The doctor got me in right away, and confirmed my worst fears. I was miscarrying this baby that I had fought so hard to keep. I was devastated. My poor brother in law, again, aged 16 did not know what to do. He said some of the nicest words ever to me "I wish I could make it OK". I need to email him and tell him how much those words meant to me, I think I never let him know.

I called my husband. He said he was too busy at work to come home. My brother in law left but my husbands' grandmother stayed.

Some women barely feel anything physically. I had wonderful labors, so you would think this would not really be a big deal, I was only about 9 weeks. Well, I had some really bad cramping and really, could hardly walk/stand.I stayed in bed.

When my husband came home, he told his grandma that she could go. He then came in and told me that if I thought that I was going to lie there all night feeling sorry for myself while he did all of the work I was crazy. I got up to try to make dinner. I was having a difficult time. He told me to get out of there, that I was disgusting.

The boys sat on the bed with me and watched TV. I told them I was "a little sick". They were worried, as they do now when I am sick. I was so so so sad.

A few hours later, I had an urge to go to the restroom, where I miscarried the baby. The doctor had told me that would happen, so I was sort of prepared. I was supposed to save it, blah blah blah, so they could see what happened.I asked my husband to help. He said he would be there when there was a commercial.I handled it.

I asked him, if at a commercial he could put the kids to bed. He did but complained, and refused to read them the stories that they were used to. I got up and read them their stories.

He came to bed about an hour later and told me he did not know why I was so sad since this whole entire thing was my fault anyway. I cried myself to sleep.

I got counseling after that. I was so sad. I was sad about the baby, I was sad about my marriage.

I had lots of support from work, from my coworkers to parents of kids in my class. They had told my class that I had "lost my baby" and that when I came back to work I might be a little sad about it.

My first day back to work was hard. I had a long commute, lots of time for thinking. I used to sing in the car,now I don't think I will ever sing again. Maybe I will never smile. Everyone in the room was watching me. Trying hard to make sure that it would be as easy as possible. No one knew what to say, if they should say anything or not. Adults can have a tough time with this,being afraid of saying the wrong thing. One of the kids in my class came to me, held my hand and said "Teacherlisa, next time, hold your baby really really close so you don't loose it". Her mother was mortified. She went to pull her away, I pulled her close to me. Those were some beautiful, thoughtful words. This special child, only 4 years old,had the courage to say something, from her heart. She cared so much for me. I will never forget her. She is an example for all of us- say what is in your heart.

That was 13 years ago, and all of us are fine.

Lisa