Reflecting

I was reading some comments before and came across one that said "Who would have thought that things would have changed that much" Well, not me.

I knew things needed to change, and I knew they were going to( as change is inevitable, plus I was making some changes).

As I had mentioned before I was really at a low point in my life at this time last year. I was facing some tough choices, and some tough stuff was being thrown at me.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so they say, but I sure didn't feel it. How could I go on, how could I continue to fight? I had no energy to deal with the things I HAD to deal with. I did not see any way to the other side.

I am so devoted to my kids, so I plugged away at it. Survived. Did what I absolutely had to do each day. Nothing else. Had to get a job, a new place to live. Blah blah blah. I am a big proponent of "fake it till you make it". And, I did.

I didn't think I would be happy.I thought I would always be in survival mode. I thought Joel moving out would put me back however many steps I had moved forward. I thought I could never like any other home other than the house I had in Maricopa.I thought I would always be driving that car that was barely moving down the road.And of course, my heart was closed forever.

That was only 11 months ago, and it seems like a lifetime. I don't even recognize that time in my life.

I am happy. More now than ever. I am living, not surviving. I miss Joel ( ok, sometimes I miss him, sometimes I enjoy the quiet). My house now is fine, and as crazy as it sounds I could actually see myself moving to a totally different place than the place I have always known. I am driving a car that works, and doesn't cause me stress every time I turn over the key.

And, as the saying goes, you find love when you are not looking for it. It really didn't matter that I had decided to go it alone. Work, make new friends, finish raising my kids, get hobbies. I had decided I was just too different from most people to actually find someone that I would be happy to be with, and that would be happy to be with me. I am overjoyed to say that I have found that. Well, he found me.

If ever I am at another point in my life I hope to remember the "Everything happens for a reason" schpiel and all that.

Ok- that is about as much sappiness as I can stand, so the next few posts are going to be about some rough times from my 20's. They will seem vastly different from these posts. They were from another low point, and I think it is good to reflect on those as well. I do NOT feel sorry for myself- so you don't either. But don't read them if you will be disturbed about stories of abuse, violence or miscarriage.( I know I have some softhearted friends out there,lol) I am fine, they were two lifetimes ago.......
Lisa