hey hey hey

I went to visit John last week, so sweet but so short.

My work schedule is not changing- whew. I don't love working nights, but I hate change even more,lol. It also really doesn't matter when you work 12 hr shifts, because you are either working, driving to and from work or sleeping. Doesn't really matter what order you do it in, ya know? Work has been tough lately, several shootings and a young child dying under suspicious circumstances. Rough stuff,ya know?

For the past 2 weeks on my days off I have been taking a class for work. It's done now, passed my test, blah blah blah. Two more weeks starting another class, that will go 3 weeks on my days off. OT is great but whew- I am gonna be tired.

Joel is doing well at school- loves it there. His room is almost empty now, he took his couch last week,lol.

Have a good one,
Lisa

bleep

Lots goin on here. My work schedule is changing- not real happy about it, but it is what it is.

John will be back in the US for a bit, hoping to get to see him before he has to leave again. He is gonna be a little drive from me so I gotta work it out.

Well, I am kinda tired and can't think of anything else to say.

Remember,
Yesterday is a memory.
The future isn't ours to see.
Today is a gift-
thats why they call it the present.

Take care of eachother.
Lisa

mindless drivel

I have been enjoying Monk and Law and Order SVU on dvd from netflix lately.
Josh likes Law and Order as well,so we have been trying to catch a few minutes together to watch it.

Looking forward to my weekend, which is Mon, Tues, and Weds. I usually take Monday to recover from the workweek, sleeping, catching up on laundry and cleaning house, so I can enjoy it the rest of my days off.Tues I hit the grocery store, because the boys have usually cleaned me out,lol.

I think I am going to make an effort to scrapbook this weekend, and finish this roll of film. I have no idea what's even on it. Always a surprise,lol.
Gonna get a haircut too, it's been awhile.

Text messaging. I never thought I would like it. I only started it because I wanted to keep up w/ my teenagers- they love it. It makes me cool-heh. I also have a girlfriend that is a texting queen. Gotta keep up w/ her too. And, then, there's John. We text as often as possible. Pretty amazing how that even works. Not quite as good as IM, but better than email.

Tired. I have a long night ahead of me,lol better get some caffiene.

Still loosing weight, down another size. Feeling good about that. Total of almost 50 lbs since Jan. Woo hoo!Ways to go still- I'd like 30 more, maybe even 40.

Going to Karaoke at a new place tomorrow night. Love to check out new places!

Saw a great quote the other day on Two Peas in a Bucket-
"It takes a great man to be better than no man."
Ain't that the truth.

Had a good week.

Getting back to normal after my trip. We have been having some wild monsoon storms, lots of clean up w/ that going on around my place.

Joel is doing great at the university. I visited him last week for about an hr and he had ten knocks on the door during that time. Guess he is as popular there as he is here at home. He likes his classes and is going to be a lifeguard there at the pool. He is enjoying his "suitemates" and they are all enjoying not having their moms tell them to clean their rooms apperantly.

Josh started online high school, he's doing well, likes it and is showing some responsiblity. He also feels like the big man around the house now, helping me w/ all the stuff that guys "should" do.

I had a nice birthday. Not too many people teasing me about my age now.That's a good thing.

John is doing well, we are doing well. It is pretty easy to get along w/ someone who is half a world away.... we'll see what happens when he comes back.(Just kidding) I actually think it is pretty hard to do this long distance thing. Lots of things get misinterpreted on the phone/or text messages, it is hard not to be able to talk to eachother whenever we want. It is, however, what it is. This is how it has to be, for now. I had so many things to do when he left, I am almost done... now I really miss him. I try to keep my feet on the ground, not get too carried away with daydreaming. That's hard though, too, keeps me going. I just have no idea what he is daydreaming about-gotta keep it real,ya know?

Work is work. I don't suck all the time now,lol. I am feeling a lot better about it, sometimes I even like it. Even though my kids are big, I still feel guilty everytime I have to say "I can't, I have to work." They are the most important thing to me and it tears me up when they can't be my first priority. I know in my mind that I go to work so they can eat, have electricity and go to school, but in my heart I still feel like I should be there. They don't feel that way- and remind me of it all the time.

Lots coming up in my life next week as well. Looking forward to it.

Donuts

I'm at work now, so I am surrounded by people who are eating. As a social eater, I think I should eat every time someone else eats.That is so not good when you work beside people who eat at all different times of the day and night. Been working on that habit.

I have been thinking about a recent comment of Josh's.He thinks we must sit around all day eating donuts w/ the officers. I have only even seen a donut once in the almost 5 months I have been here, and it was brought in by another dispatcher. Maybe we just don't have any donut shops around, or maybe that is just an old wives' tale.

My favorite kind of donut is the maple long john, followed by the boston creme filled. Dang, now I want to stop at the store on the way home for donuts,lol.

Been thinking about turning 40.If you're only as old as you feel, I am about 90. I don't look 40, I don't think, because of my long,clairol perfected hair, and my non-wrinkled but still breaking out like a teenager skin. I have been told that I dress like a 40 year old teacher-eh, thats what I was, ya know? Not such a bad thing. Josh said he's glad I'm not a MILF.I am glad I don't embarrass him, but sometimes I wish I looked differently than I do.

I wish my nose was smaller. I wish I had no strech marks. I wish I weighed less. I wish my feet were smaller. I wish "the girls" were where they were when I was 20.OOPS, that's more than 3 wishes. Actually, I wouldn't really waste any real wishes on physical apperance issues, but if I had some to spare, I guess I would use them for that.

Saw a funny quote the other day-"If drinking and driving is illegal, why are there parking spaces at bars?" Makes me laugh, but seriously- get yourself a designated driver-please.

Lots happening here. Joel has moved out, and has plans to visit for 4 hrs per week,lol. He is exactly like me huh? Kinda scary.

We have had some wicked storms here while I was gone and again the last two days. Out of charachter for AZ.

Sentimental me is thinking towards the 29-31st of Aug. I turn 40, my nephew turns 1 and Joel turns 18. Big days.

Need to get better about scrapping these times, it has been most of 2007 that I really havent even taken many pics. Been busy making a new life, forgeting to enjoy it, I guess.

I am back to working nights- I am all out of whack. I have a lot of trouble sleeping during the day, I did do a little bit better yesterday, only woke up once.

I have been working for most of the last three weeks, finally off for the next 3 days. Looking forward to that. I will hopefully sleep most of today, then I need to restock the fridge/pantry since the boys were home alone for the last 2 weeks. When she went there.... the cupboard was bare.....

Take care all,
Lisa

predijuce

sucks. As a white person, it is atypical for me to experience it personally. Sexism, yeah, I suppose, but I don't really get that bent out of shape about it, since I like bein' a girl. I do however, make an effort, sometimes to my own detriment, not to judge others. I stand up for people who are judged- even when it makes me unpopular.
The past couple of weeks, I have been here at this training. The training is for 911 dispatchers who work on reservations. Not surprising that most dispatchers who work on reservations are Native American. The training was put together by the Indian Police Academy.I am the only white person here. That, in and of itself is not a bad thing. Where it becomes a bad thing is where I am disliked, persecuted and excluded for being white. The instructors have made derogatory comments regarding "the white man". That gives the go-ahead for the other participants to follow in their footsteps.
It has been a long 12 days. Every night I lie my head on the pillow and promise to hold true to my own values regardless of the behavior of my collegues. Tomorrow is the last day of class- I am gonna make it.
I have experienced a lot of things here, and unfortunately this will be the most powerful memory I take home with me.
Lisa

howdy

Im good- survived the flight and am surviving this training. This little town I am in is cute, and thankfully they have my beloved Sonic.
I will post again another time, I have to go and either nap or study, whichever comes first!
Lisa

I know, I know

it has been too long.
Lots going on here. People who truly know me know my silence is a sign of me dealing w/ junk. It's true, but like always I am ok.

So, coming here to report that on Aug 5, I will be beginning a big adventure. I realize this might not be a big adventure to most, so hopefully you have had your caffiene before reading this.

I will be leaving AZ and heading for a business trip. This will require me to board not one, but two airplanes. This is in and of itself, and adventure for me. I have made it almost 40 years w/o my feet off of the ground. First I will be taking a big, normal airplane. Then I have to get off of that big airplane and get onto a little airplane. People are scaring me w/ thier little airplane stories so I ask all of you not to share- please,lol.

Then, after an hr car ride we will be at our destination- Artesia NM. I will be there until the 24, where I then drive an hr to catch the little plane to fly to the big plane. Sounds like lots of opportunities to loose stuff,lol.

There are lots of restrictions, we will be staying in dorms. I kinda feel like I am in high school or something. I have heard this is the best training program out there- so hopefully all of this is worth it.

Additionally, I know you guys know that I do it all around here, and if I am not here- not sure who is going to do it. This will be a good experience for all involved. I can learn to let go ( hopefully)and other people can see what I do,lol.

Joel will be moving into his college dorm while I am gone (sniff sniff) but as a little mini-me, he has offered to come back home to look after the animals/his brother while I am gone. Wow-good kid huh?

So, cross your fingers for me as I go off on this adventure, that I survive the airplanes, that my family and I survive the time apart and that I learn a lot.

My version of Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

I burned my arm on my curling iron this morning. I burned my wrist cooking dinner tonight. Last Tuesday I broke my pinky toe- it is as big as the big toe. Tonight I washed my cell phone by accident.

If you know the childrens story, you will know that this poor child has everything possible happen to him and he thinks moving to Austraila is the answer. I am beginning to think that is a great idea.

I am going to try going to bed early instead since something really bad could happen to me at the airport,lol.

Right after I eat a big ol bowl of chocolate ice cream.

Lisa

nothing witty or profound

I have nothing witty or profound to say today,lol.
Joel and I went to Target today and to his favorite mall. Kinda brought back memories for me about when I was his age and spent hours at the mall. Now, 22 years later I really don't like going ,lol.

I also realized today that at the end of August we will have so many huge milestones! My son, Joel is turning 18, my nephew is turning 1 and I am turning 40- all w/i 2 days of eachother. I guess that is pretty profound,lol. Joel asked me today if I felt like 18 years have flown by... yeah, I do. Honestly. I have years of memories, and photos. There have been occasions when time seemed to stand still- the hours I spent waiting for him to finish baseball practice, time spent trying to teach him how to drive, even the hours and hours ( and hours) that I spent potty training him. I thought he would be checking in to his college dorm in diapers- seriously.
But all in all-time has flown by. Yesterday, it seems, he was too small for the smallest diapers in the store. He was 2 and scared to death of the garbage truck. He wsa 4 and wanted to be a fire engine ( not the fire fighter- the actual truck). Yesterday he started kindergarten. He was scared of oompa loompas and loved sitting in the orange tree all day eating 1/2 of each orange, throwing the rest of them on the ground to see what the goats would do.
Yesterday, he couldn't cross the street by himself, now he can call and make a drs appt, drive himself, go to the pharmacy and drive back home and take his meds as directed. That in itself is a huge deal- lots of grown men can't/don't/won't do that. Guess I didn't do too bad.

perception

There are a lot of things that are just a matter of perception.

A friend said to me last night that she thought I was always happy and content w/ my life.I was totally surprised to hear that, because the last couple of years have been really rough for me. I have been pretty happy the last few months, but it has been an uphill struggle to say the least.

One thing I do work hard at is counting my blessings. Every night, my kids are home, in their beds and healthy. They are smart, well adjusted, independant thinkers and respectful. I am not in a hospital w/ one of them fighting for their lives, they are not missing. Every day we eat good food. We have a place to live, a vehicle to drive and electricity and running water. Each of us has a hobby that we enjoy. We love and care about eachother.

Another reason that I believe I am a basically happy person is that I have the right perspective about money. ( Not everyone agrees w/ me,lol particularly my ex) There are people who are very wealthy, who will never be happy- their perception of the importance of money is, in my opinion, skewed. They place a greater value on money than truly exists. Then, there are people who do not have enough money, who are also never going to be happy, again, because they place too high a value on money. They wish for things that they can not afford, and in reality do not need. People on both ends of the spectrum just need to count their blessings more.

All of that said- if I allow myself, I can be a very sad and/or angry woman. I have had a pretty tough life( who hasn't). My father was an alcoholic.I married a physically abusive man, and stayed for almost 12 years. I then married an alcoholic. I have raised two boys almost exclusively by myself. I have had financial problems most of my adult life. I have a child w/ a chronic medical problem and behavorial health problems. I, myself, have a chronic degenerative medical condition, and something somewhere hurts every day. So, I have made a choice NOT to allow myself to allow any of these things to rob me a minute of peace in my today, or in my future. Some of these things that happened were my own choices. Some were cards I was dealt. None of them need to be a part of my today.Today, I can be thankful for my blessings and the strength I have been blessed w/ from my past.

That said, just like everyone else I have bad days. Today, happens to be one of them. I feel like crap. There is someone in my life who I miss terribly- I actually feel an ache in my heart. Several stressful things happened this afternoon.I did not want to deal w/ them, I wanted to lie down on the couch w/ a magazine. I wanted a nap. I wanted to see this special person that I miss so much. Then, because I am a nut, I start feeling guilty for being upset. After all, there are people w/ real problems. What I had going on today would be a great day for some.So, I am feeling down, and feeling guilty as if I have no right.That really can mess w/ a girl,lol.

I am no superhuman that has no bad days. I am not cold to emotion- I feel heartache like anyone else. I am not a perfect woman only having perfect days.

Everything is just a matter of perception.Instead of being upset that I don't feel good, I need to be thankful that I can walk. Instead of feeling that ache, I need to remember why I feel it- I am in love! As for the stressful things that happened, it is because I have a home to live in, beautiful children to care for and a job. All of those things are blessings!

Getting off of my soapbox now.....

went to the dr. today

I told my boys I had a dr appt. today. Usually I get the whole why are you being a baby and going to the dr thing, but today they seemed concerned. I did not feel well yesterday- not sick like go to the dr sick , just didn't feel good.

Anyway, this was not that kind of appt- it was every woman's favorite appt. I told the guys not to worry that I was fine. They kept pressing the issue so I finally had to tell them.

Joel said "EWWWW" lol. I said, my thoughts exactly.

Anyway, I love my doc, and it went fine. Everything is good.

I have dropped some more weight- so that's good too!

Tomorrow I am going to get up, and go have a manicure and then I am going to come home and scrapbook all day. I am sooo looking forward to that.

I have a whole list of phone calls that are the kind where you wait on hold forfreakingever tomorrow, so I figure I will scrap and hold the phone to one ear. Hows that for multi tasking,lol.

Anyway- take care everyone!

so close.... yet so far

So my divorce will be final Aug 17. I think that sounds far away- everyone else says it seems so quick. Guess it is all a matter of perspective, plus- I tend to be on the impatient side.

Anyway,good things are happening to me these days still. I am madly, over the top in love, my job is going well, my kids are doing well. Time for me to hit the hay- only plesant dreams here!

It's a great day to be alive.........

ahh one of my favorite songs.

Anyway, I figured it was just as good as any for a title.

10 reasons it is great to be alive for me today:


1. The three of us are healthy, we have good food to eat today and a roof over our heads. Who needs more than that?

2.My dog just came over and licked my cheek. Awwww..........

3.I have a Monk DVD from Netflix to watch today.

4.I went to the grocery store on my way home from work today and bought food that we can eat that does not involve me having to cook it for breakfast lunch and dinner. Woo Hoo!

5.I am happy about where my life is going and for the first time in a very long time I am looking forward to the future!

6.I have some good girlfriends. Really good. Love that.

7.My dad is coming over tomorrow to do the man stuff that needs to be done around here.

8.Tonight is Karaoke night for me!( I know, I'm a goofball)

9. I found some new tea- strawberry- yum, can't wait till it's done.

10. All 3 of us have the day off of work! Hope I can convince these teenagers to spend some time w/ their boring old mom.

I hope it is a great day to be alive for you..... if it's not- consider the alternative!

Lisa

my deep thought for the day.....

On at least 2 occasions yessterday I noticed how very little my family thinks I can handle when I am a single woman.

Reflecting on this, it happened last time too, either I did not notice it at the time or I had long since forgotten.

My vacuum sucks ( or it actually doesn't as the case may be) and I mentioned to Joel that I was going to look for a new one. Joel thinks I should wait until he can go w/ me, because at 17 he knows more about them since he is a boy.

I decided that I might go and tan one or two times, since I am working nights and never hardly see the light of day. Both my boys acted like I have no functioning brain cells.

My parents do the same type of thing.

I can honestly say that I like to be married. I am a good wife. I have not been so good about picking the right person to be married to, but thats another story. However, I am perfectly capable ( probably even more so when I don't have someone to count on) of handling my life. I have raised these boys almost alone. I make decisions every day. I have never been arrested, I have never been in a car accident that was my fault. I have never fallen victim to a nigerian email scam. I can handle choosing a vacuum, weighing the risks of tanning, calling for a tow truck and the other issues that face americans today.

Today I have decided to realize that this comes from concern and love for me, and not really a lack of faith. Hopefully I rememember that next time it happens....

Paperwork filed.Nuff said on that,lol.

Busy day tomorrow again, but thats good.

I went to the library today, for the first time in ages. I got a few good books on a few topis I am interested in these days. I am a non fiction reader.I hardly ever read any fiction although as a teenager I loved to read trashy romance novels.

Now I am looking for a book of sheet music online. I had one, it is the best ever, and now since I moved I can not find it anywhere. Of course it is prolly out of print,lol. I think I will check ebay.

Work is going pretty good, I love my new truck, and life in general is going pretty good.

I am going to attempt a better entry tomorrow- this one blows but I am tired,lol.

the long arm of the law............

Yesterday I got some bad news about a kiddo that I really care about quite a bit. One of Josh's friends, that practically lived w/ me for a couple of years has gotten himself into some more trouble. He's safe, in detention, and will be heading to rehab right after. 15 years young. Into some really heavy stuff.Weapons, hard drugs. I guess it was a blessing he was caught before someone really got hurt.

I picked up my divorce packet on Tuesday. I'm ready to wrap up that part of my old life and move on to chapter whatever this is now,lol. You would think w/ all the practice husbands I have I would be better at figuring out how to fill these papers out, but I keep having to ask questions,lol. Good thing we don't have anything hard like kids or property. Ahh well, hopefully I never need it again.

I am happy. I feel good. My life is going pretty good right now.

Guess thats it..
Lisa

Summer is here!

The city pool opens this weekend and that means my guys are at work. Joel is a lifeguard this summer again, and Josh is the Head Cashier. They are both glad to be there.

Things are going really well at work, I like the work at night a lot. I feel like I almost know what I am doing now,lol so that is another good thing.

I am enjoying my new car. It really is just too stinking cute.

I think I am going to spend tomorrow afternoon doing fun stuff. Exactly what that means I am not sure, but I know I need to do something fun.

today is a big day

My oldest son is graduating high school today. He is graduating w/ honors, and of course, we are all very proud of him. He has big plans, that kid does,lol.It really does seem like yesterday that he was 4 lbs, fitting in my hand and not able to lift his head or sleep longer than 2 hrs. Now he can do really hard math, save people's lives and decide what kind of life he wants to have. He is everyone's friend and almost always knows the right thing to do. He really is an incredible person and I would want to know him even if he didn't belong to me.

For the inquiring minds, John and I are still together. Things are really, really good.

I am tired, I worked last night, so I am heading out!
Lisa