the times they are a changin.......

Joel doesn't need to call me every day anymore.

Josh is almost done w/ high school- probably will be taking classes at the community college next semester.

My schedule is changing again at work ( I am happy w/ the change, but I hate changing so freaking often,lol.)

The weather is cooling off a bit- we don't get over a hundred anymore.

I am beginning to like technology. I also still love the slow old fashioned antique-y kinda stuff, but this fast computer,ipod,digital camera etc stuff is kinda cool too.

Ok well- I am stumped on anymore changes,lol. Apperantly since I don't really like change that feels like a lot but when you write it down it doesn't seem as much.

nap time

My kids were good sleepers. They really honestly were. I was lucky like that.

Except that any time we tried to deviate from nap/bed time, this is what we got. Kids falling asleep on us,lol. No matter what, no matter where, if it was noon or 8 pm, they fell asleep.

Once when Joel was 5, it was a Saturday night and we were enjoying the company of some friends at their house. Kids playing, adults watching a movie, just relaxing and having a good time.

Joel read the clock and panicked- it was 755 pm. He made such a production about how his bedtime was at 8 and we needed to start for home. Alas, since he was sucking all the fun out of the evening,lol... we did.

When Joel went to first grade, he told his teacher on the first day that he would not be able to stay until 230 pm, since his nap was actually at noon.

He actually made it though school, but his entire first grade year he took a nap right after school.

He stopped taking naps in the second grade, but as a teenager started napping again, and now, at 19 still loves his naps.

'cuz i am cool like that........

This picture is of my kids dad, and both kiddos.The point of this photo is that my youngest son, seen here in the red sweatpants and diaper- a fashion trend in its infancy.

Who could have predicted that 16 yrs later, he would still be wearing his pants like that? More pics to follow,lol.

the annual birthday bash

The end of Aug/beginning of September brings many birthdays to the Trebitowski/Smith/Brown group. My birthday, my late FIL's birthday and my new nephew's birthday is all on the same day- whew! Joels birthday comes 2 days later, and them my sisters during the next week. This year we met again, at the Native New Yorker for some good food and good converstation. This year we had a 2yr old at the table, who I am pretty sure was quieter than the two teenage boys I brought w/ me,lol.

Josh always gets 20 dollars from Grandma/Grandpa with a card that says "just because". Joel gets the same on Josh's birthday. They started that when they were little, and I guess it is a tradition now.

We all got funny cards, very fitting for our personalites. I am not going to share the cards here- its just a lil bit too honest,lol.

Things I hope I never forget about this day:

1) When Josh ordered a hamburger and the waitress asked him how he would like it cooked, he replied " Um..Good??" He reported after dinner that it was, in fact, good.

2) How my dad is w/ my nephew. He is very doting, tries to fix each and every thing that could potentially bother him, and jealous if anyone tries to hold/talk to him. He even took him away from my mom today,lol. I will admit that if I had to guess, my dad is my nephews favorite person in the whole world.

3) Today, I noticed that I like to chew on straws ( today I was not but I often do) Joel likes to chew on straws ( this I had noticed before, since he also leaves them around the house) but my nephew also, loves to chew on straws. We are weird.

4) My family, as nutty as they can be- are very supportive of me, and my kids. That's cool.

Papa

This photo is from the mid 90s, I think 1995, not sure really. Its a picture of Josh and his paternal grandfather. After my sons were born, he was known to just about everyone as "Papa". Papa was a good kind man, who valued family over everything else. He really enjoyed fishing, camping, riding quads/4x4. He was always up for coming over for dinner, going out for a quick snack or just doing the regular everyday things.

He and I shared a birthday, that was pretty cool.

He lost Joel once, in a store, before Joel was even walking ( don't ask, I still don't understand how it could happen) and 2 years later he lost my dog. I never let him watch anything again,lol- even though I found both my son, and my dog.

After the boys' dad and I divorced, he and I stayed close, I still considered him my FIL. He was still there for the boys, went to as many activities as he possibly could, and always had time for their phone calls. He even, from time to time, listened to me vent about his son. He was an amazing man.

He passed away suddenly a few yrs ago, a great man gone too soon. There are just no words to express all he did for me, and my sons during his time here.

Joel and I were going through some scrapbooks the other day and Joel, a boy of few words, and even fewer feelings said simply "I wish Grandpa was still here"

Me too... Me too.

just so you don't think i am on crack

heres the picture referenced in the post below,lol.

flashback

This is a pic of my sons back in Dec of 92. They loved the zoo as much as I did back then. This tractor was in the childrens zoo area and it was important for us to visit and take a pic each time we went. Good Times, good times.

I only got to the zoo once this summer. It is hard to go when it is so hot and this summer I have been working nights so that kinda complicated things also. I am hopefully switching to days in the not to distant future and w/ the weather cooling off I plan to visit it often, if for no other reason than it is a good place to walk.

I have been doing a lot of organizing lately, organizing photos on my computer, as well as files and actual pictures. I have even organized my scrap area and I could scrap there if I so desired,lol. Maybe next week- I am too pooped from the organizing part,lol.

ipods and little update

My ex, after realizing that although i would let him stay here, that I was not a bank decided that this is not the best place for him to stay (lmbo). So, it is over already and w/o any ugly. I guess he did have somewhere else to stay after all,lol.

I had decided that 2008 was going to be the year that the Browns moved into the era of technology. I know, most of you are already here,lol it sometimes takes me awhile to catch up.

I got a new computer, ditched dial up and now we even have ipods. I think we were the last three people on the planet to not have an mp3 player, with the exception of my parents.We are all 3 in love w/ ours, and now I am on the hunt for a good speaker/dock. There are so many choices, I am overwhelmed,lol.

Joel is getting ready to go back to ASU, Josh is going to take GED classes and stay in his online highschool program ( I know, I know. But no dropping out allowed here- if he passes I will let him stop going to high school,lol) All three of us are working ( me a little too much, josh just right and joel a little too little,lol) and have lots of good stuff going on.

I started reading Photo Freeom and am obsessed w/ this organizational method- so thats taking up a lot of my spare time.

And- I went to the movies w/ someone. Pretty exciting in and of itself,lol lets see what happens here.

drama, karma, kindness

My life has not been without drama, but as of late, I have spent my time attempting to create a drama free life. I have done a pretty good job, especially considering I have two teenage boys.

Some drama entered my life today. My kids dad has found himself w/ no where to go. We have a long history, most of it not good. We met at 15, so that was 25 yrs ago. I will save the long story of why the marriage did not work. Since we have been divorced, he has been shall we say, less than kind. When my second husband and I decided I should be a stay home mom, he called me lazy and every other possible name in the book. He is months behind on child support. Now, here he is on my doorstep, thousands of dollars behind on child support, asking for me to support not only the two kids by myself, but him too. He is not working and at this time has no prospects. He has a total of 4 children.

He did not even have the gas money to get to my house. That he borrowed from Joel, my oldest son.

People sometimes think that I allow people to walk over me. Thats fine, they can think that, and surely I have been taken advantage of.

I say it takes a lot more strength to be kind to someone who has given you no reason to be kind to them, than it does to be mean. I say tonight when I lay my head on my pillow- I can sleep knowing that I was a decent human being.

That said, I am already supporting two kinds and myself and have no desire to support a man. ( If I was interested in that, I would at least choose someone who was going to give me some benefit,lol.)

I decided to let him stay for a bit. This does put a cramp in everyones style. It may not work very well at all, it could get ugly. It could also be ok. We just don't know.

I guess we will see, drama, karma, or kindness.

Rockin with the rhythm of the rain......

I have been going through some old pictures here lately- attempting organization,lol. I came across this one, and it made me smile. My kids loved these swings, and those goofy boots, and their yard and home. These were mostly happy times, especially for them. It is raining here tonight, so this one caught my eye.

I loved watching them play out there- this night was no different. We had just had a huge storm ( see the large tree branch on the ground in the back?) and it was just sprinkling now. They are swinging away in the rain singing Rain Rain DON'T go away- they loved it.

Good Times...

karaoke

I love karaoke. I honestly really don't know why I like it. I am not a "center of attention" type person.When I do go to karaoke, I stand kinda off to the side. I don't dance, or create any type of attention to myselr- I just want to sing. I think I do ok, no one has ever asked me to stop. I do joke around that the more you drink, the better I will sound,lol.

I am one of the few people in az happy that there is no smoking in bars anymore. I used to be coughing and hacking by the end of the night- not particularly condusive to singing,huh?

I like the smallerish town I live in, I usually see someone I know when I go into my favorite karaoke spot.

The above photo is of the resturant/bar near my parents' cabin. They have karaoke on occasion, and I actually try to plan my trips around when they are going to have it. My dad loves to go too. My mom doesn't love it quite so much,lol and stays home.

I most often sing country songs, usually Wynonna, or Tricia or Martina. Sometimes I get all crazy and sing Cher or Joan Jett.

My sons have been, when they were younger. Both of them can sing, they really liked it back then.... now, they are too "cool".

Anyway- to quote Forrest- "thats all I have to say about that"

Have a peaceful week,
Lisa

rough week at work

I usually don't bring calls home w/ me. So far, I have been pretty good about that. This week was a little rougher to do that, for me.
The first call that tore my heart out was from a man who came across two young boys who had been dropped off at a rest area along the side of the highway. When he met up w/ them, they had been outside for 4 hrs alone. There was a serious langage barrier, between me, and the caller. I was kind of a dork during the call, spanish is not my strong suit, and my first "second language" is police code, so at the end of the call, after trying to decipher his spanish I answered him in police code,lol. But- we got through it. Got the kids some water, some dinner and made contact w/ a relative. Man- some people suck.

The second call, will be w/ me probably forever. A man called and said there were 3 people here that he needed removed from his house. I asked the questions we usually ask, and come to find out they were his children. 4,5,and 6 yrs old, and he wanted "them and all their stuff out of his house" because he wanted to continue drinking and they were not letting him have a good time. He ended up getting arrested, thank God. I hope they let him listen to himself when he sobers up.

I did help some people this week, and hopefully made a difference in someones life. I love my job........ I love my job.........

back from flagstaff

here we are- the back porch. Probably my favorite part of my parents' cabin. I spent the last 4 days there, w/o the boys, but w/ my parents,lol.
We went to a 4th of July BBQ and my dad and I went to Karaoke. I also gave my dad the DVD player for the cabin for Fathers Day( just a little late,lol but just in time for my visit) and I was able to get all caught up on my Netflix movies. I am now just waiting patiently for Monk season 6 to come out on DVD on the 8th and my week will be all set.
I had a rough week last week at work, some pretty crazy stuff happening. I suppose it always happens, just kinda got to me last week.
Anyway- crossing my fingers this week goes well, and we don't have anymore record highs here,lol.

I am still alive

but barely,lol.

Been working a lot, which is both good and bad.I am back on nights, and have weekends off. That is kinda cool, haven't had that in awhile. Maybe I can snare me a man??

ok sorry to be lame for my first blog entry in over 6 months but:

2 things I am wearing:
1) denim dress
2) sandals ( shh they are a brand name sandal that my mom and sister are into- I thought they were crazy to be this excited over a flipping shoe, but they really are comfy)

2 names I have been called:
there are many,lol but nice ones are
1) Lisa, not a lot of nicknames for that one
2) teacherlisa- that was a huge part of my identity for many years. Preschoolers all over az called me "Teacherlisa"... I miss it.

2 things I like to do:
go to the zoo
go to karaoke

2 things I want:
love
sleep

2 favorite beverages
sweet tea
chocolate diet cokes from sonic

2 pets:
Charlie ( my first dog)
Taz ( my favorite dog)

2 things I did yesterday:
work
sleep

2 people I talked to today:
Joel
Josh

2 things I am doing tomorrow:
work
sleep ( see the pattern)

2 longest car rides:
the ride home from carlsbad NM
my sister and I in the back of a stationwagon arguing for 4 days as we drove home from WI as kids.

Gonna go to the zoo tonight, then karaoke. I hope to do more blog entries than I have been lol- just in case anyone still checks on me.

Thanksgiving

So my dorky family has determined that Thanksgiving is just a waste of time. I'm sad about that. Family is it for me, you know? And I was born into this family that just doesn't see things my way. I feel like that one normal chick on the Munsters. I am surrounded by freaks! My sister is going one way, my parents another.
I did convince my kids that it was in their best interest to spend time w/ me that day,lol. Josh wants to have hamburgers for thanksgiving Joel wants ham.LOL I am telling you freaks!
I have to work on Thanksgiving. I'm not upset about it, it is how it is. I get to be off for Christmas though. Looking forward to that, although I might take myself somewhere far far away. I sorta am getting itchy, ready to run. Feeling a little wild, restless.
Did some online shopping. I think the albums I use are getting ready to be discontinued. I panicked and ordered a lifetime supply,lol.
I better get back to scrapbooking......

There is no I in team

There are a few things that are not my favorite about my new job, sorta why they call it work, I guess.

But one of the things that I just don't really understand is the lack of teamwork and professionalism. Of course, not everyone is like this, but it is surely the worst place I have worked with regard to these two issues.

We have two shifts, and that in itself is tough. I don't believe we as people are actually designed to work 12 hr shifts,lol. But we all are doing it. We get three glorious days off each week, and that is nice. There is a lot of competition between the shifts. I don't get that- we are all doing the same job- just at different times. Let's be kind to eachtoher and help eachother out. There are comments everyday like " Those people on day shift, blah blah blah" or the reverse about the night shift.

Last I checked everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Everyone has things they are good at, everyone has things they can improve upon. Look for the strengths in others, and look for ways to improve yourself. Please.

I think we waste a lot of energy and peace that we could have for ourselves with things like this.

OK-I warned you

This post will be the longest in the history of the earth.This post will be about miscarriage. It will be about the first time I seriously thought about leaving my kids' dad.

Let me back up to when I first realized I was pregnant. Although I had wanted a third child,my husband did not. We were not trying to get pregnant, I was taking the pill. My husband, of course, blamed me for getting pregnant. That is a good trick,eh?

My husband wanted me to get an abortion. I am pro choice for other people, pro life for myself. I told him no. He said he would leave if I did not.

I could not decide what to do. This is the proverbial rock and hard place. I have two sons who adore their father. I was proud of still being married to my husband, and our family intact.Is it a bigger sin to divorce or to have an abortion?

I started having physical signs of stress. I turned to my best friends and pastor for guidance.One day, while one of my good friends was there ( who happened to be male) listening to me go on and on about this, my husband came home and became furious that he was there at the house.( Never mind that I had 2 kids there, everyone had all of their clothes on- he decided we were having an affair.) He claimed to be coming home to tell me to go ahead and keep the baby but that although he would not leave he was done taking care of the boys and this future child.

In the end, it would not be up to either of us. I started spotting at work. I was a preschool teacher for Head Start at that time, in a school an hr away from my hometown.I called my doctor, he advised me to go home, and come in to his office the first appointment after lunch. I called my husband to tell him. He said "OK" as if it were nothing.

I got my things together, got some help for my assistant teacher and headed for home. I called my husband again to see if he could pick up our 3 year old from preschool.I was feeling ill and the spotting had gotten worse. I was cramping, and very upset. I was worried that I might not be able to pick him up later.He said no. It was out of his way from work and plus since I was coming home there was no reason for him to do so.

I stopped into the preschool for him, called my brother in law to see if he could help watch him while I went to the doctor so I did not have to take a 3 yr old with me.My brother in law was happy to do it. He was only 16 and more help than my husband. Go figure.

I was weak by the time I got home, everything was much worse. I called my husband, who called me a drama queen,but he did call his grandmother over so my brother in law could drive me to the doctor. How big of him,eh?

My husbands' grandma was wonderful. She kept the kids busy, and let me rest. My brother in law and I went off to the doctor.

The doctor got me in right away, and confirmed my worst fears. I was miscarrying this baby that I had fought so hard to keep. I was devastated. My poor brother in law, again, aged 16 did not know what to do. He said some of the nicest words ever to me "I wish I could make it OK". I need to email him and tell him how much those words meant to me, I think I never let him know.

I called my husband. He said he was too busy at work to come home. My brother in law left but my husbands' grandmother stayed.

Some women barely feel anything physically. I had wonderful labors, so you would think this would not really be a big deal, I was only about 9 weeks. Well, I had some really bad cramping and really, could hardly walk/stand.I stayed in bed.

When my husband came home, he told his grandma that she could go. He then came in and told me that if I thought that I was going to lie there all night feeling sorry for myself while he did all of the work I was crazy. I got up to try to make dinner. I was having a difficult time. He told me to get out of there, that I was disgusting.

The boys sat on the bed with me and watched TV. I told them I was "a little sick". They were worried, as they do now when I am sick. I was so so so sad.

A few hours later, I had an urge to go to the restroom, where I miscarried the baby. The doctor had told me that would happen, so I was sort of prepared. I was supposed to save it, blah blah blah, so they could see what happened.I asked my husband to help. He said he would be there when there was a commercial.I handled it.

I asked him, if at a commercial he could put the kids to bed. He did but complained, and refused to read them the stories that they were used to. I got up and read them their stories.

He came to bed about an hour later and told me he did not know why I was so sad since this whole entire thing was my fault anyway. I cried myself to sleep.

I got counseling after that. I was so sad. I was sad about the baby, I was sad about my marriage.

I had lots of support from work, from my coworkers to parents of kids in my class. They had told my class that I had "lost my baby" and that when I came back to work I might be a little sad about it.

My first day back to work was hard. I had a long commute, lots of time for thinking. I used to sing in the car,now I don't think I will ever sing again. Maybe I will never smile. Everyone in the room was watching me. Trying hard to make sure that it would be as easy as possible. No one knew what to say, if they should say anything or not. Adults can have a tough time with this,being afraid of saying the wrong thing. One of the kids in my class came to me, held my hand and said "Teacherlisa, next time, hold your baby really really close so you don't loose it". Her mother was mortified. She went to pull her away, I pulled her close to me. Those were some beautiful, thoughtful words. This special child, only 4 years old,had the courage to say something, from her heart. She cared so much for me. I will never forget her. She is an example for all of us- say what is in your heart.

That was 13 years ago, and all of us are fine.

Lisa

Reflecting

I was reading some comments before and came across one that said "Who would have thought that things would have changed that much" Well, not me.

I knew things needed to change, and I knew they were going to( as change is inevitable, plus I was making some changes).

As I had mentioned before I was really at a low point in my life at this time last year. I was facing some tough choices, and some tough stuff was being thrown at me.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so they say, but I sure didn't feel it. How could I go on, how could I continue to fight? I had no energy to deal with the things I HAD to deal with. I did not see any way to the other side.

I am so devoted to my kids, so I plugged away at it. Survived. Did what I absolutely had to do each day. Nothing else. Had to get a job, a new place to live. Blah blah blah. I am a big proponent of "fake it till you make it". And, I did.

I didn't think I would be happy.I thought I would always be in survival mode. I thought Joel moving out would put me back however many steps I had moved forward. I thought I could never like any other home other than the house I had in Maricopa.I thought I would always be driving that car that was barely moving down the road.And of course, my heart was closed forever.

That was only 11 months ago, and it seems like a lifetime. I don't even recognize that time in my life.

I am happy. More now than ever. I am living, not surviving. I miss Joel ( ok, sometimes I miss him, sometimes I enjoy the quiet). My house now is fine, and as crazy as it sounds I could actually see myself moving to a totally different place than the place I have always known. I am driving a car that works, and doesn't cause me stress every time I turn over the key.

And, as the saying goes, you find love when you are not looking for it. It really didn't matter that I had decided to go it alone. Work, make new friends, finish raising my kids, get hobbies. I had decided I was just too different from most people to actually find someone that I would be happy to be with, and that would be happy to be with me. I am overjoyed to say that I have found that. Well, he found me.

If ever I am at another point in my life I hope to remember the "Everything happens for a reason" schpiel and all that.

Ok- that is about as much sappiness as I can stand, so the next few posts are going to be about some rough times from my 20's. They will seem vastly different from these posts. They were from another low point, and I think it is good to reflect on those as well. I do NOT feel sorry for myself- so you don't either. But don't read them if you will be disturbed about stories of abuse, violence or miscarriage.( I know I have some softhearted friends out there,lol) I am fine, they were two lifetimes ago.......
Lisa

sleep work sleep

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

I did nothing exciting because all I did was sleep work sleep. It's the story of my life really.

Josh and I did spend some time together, watching Law and Order SVU. We are on season 2 now.

I don't think Joel has been home in 3 weeks now. I have been to see him, I go once a week on my way to Karaoke,lol.

He is all about putting the past behind him, skipping this weeks High School Homecoming Football Game to attend his Frat party.This was the kid that planned to not miss any games. He is even taking his laundry to my mom's. I am a little misty over that one,lol. Proud, but missing him.

Take care,
Lisa

hey there

Feeling blessed today.

Lots of exciting things going on next week, for me. All of us at work are going to some additional training, on giving pre arrival medical instructions to callers in need of EMS services. Even though it means working on one of my days off for the training, and another of my days off to allow the others to go to training, I am excited about it.Love learning new stuff.

I need to go shopping for some new clothes,especially pants.I have lost a little more weight,and it is very very cold in my office at work. Like you don't need to put your lunch in the fridge cold. Like I bring gloves cold. Brrrrrr.I think I am going to have to switch from my Chocolate Diet Coke to some kind of hot coffee drink.

I found this wonderful new bread,made by Sara Lee. It is called thick sliced or something like that. I can only find it at Walmart but I love love love it. It is just the best and I have been eating more sandwiches and toast than I should,lol.

I am hoping to get to the Tucson Zoo in the next couple weeks,they have polar bears there,and I love them,lol. OK so gotta run, getting busy here...